listen if i call you a "big tub of cool whip" that is a GOOD thing it does NOT mean i am a jerk or rude
Joshua Allen’s Tweets
someday i shall invent my own sniglet and retire from this life
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if i don't have a place to stash my shades......i just hang them from my t-shirt collar, problem solved!!
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the only way us gen-x men can be vulnerable with each other is by recreating the cover of pearl jam's ten
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dear science: how can i get more carbs in my body, i just know i've got more crannies in there where carbs can go
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ME: hey ET i cut myself shaving, come in here and heal it with your finger
ET: ET think you starting to take advantage of ET
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i used to be scared of skeletons until i realized a grocery store rotisserie chicken is mostly skeleton and how could i be scared of chickie bae
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friends, it is so important to listen to your body! today i bent over and heard the intro to careless whisper, it ruled
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When it's time to let someone know I'm very tough, I do this move where I tilt my head back and forth to crack my neck. It doesn't hurt, don't worry! It merely loosens my neck bones. But it also sends a powerful message: Things are about to get QUITE unpleasant for you, buster!
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quick reminder that i'm still selling my handmade bumper stickers that say "and lo the harpies did soar down from the ice-shrouded skies, screeching their songs of woe into the dead hearts of every american" [picture of calvin peeing on ikea logo]
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happy october everyone i just noticed an app on my phone i don't remember installing and it played a video of me sleeping in my bed last night, filmed from the ceiling, and someone (who sounds a lot like bob ross) whispering "it is time to receive my fetus" so that's great
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The centaur got high on drugs, waxed his chest, then galloped to Whole Foods where he purchased a bale of organic hay. That's all I have on my romance novel so far. Working title is "Half Man, Half Horse...All Man"
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[strums autoharp] this one's called "Come Back Babe (There Are Still Three More Verses)"
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"i'm gonna add a bullet list to my powerpoint" sounds pretty cool if you don't know what either of those things are
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video games 1991: press A to make the hedgehog jump
video games 2021: press A to comfort the hedgehog as it contemplates the nature of grief and memory
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hope everyone is having a great wednesday or whatever god damn day it is
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google's not finding it but anyone else remember this 90s commercial where a little girl spills something and her dad just starts *screaming* at her and says something like "your mother, your TRUE mother, will be very displeased" and then it says Ruffles Light?
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i made my signature garlic nutmeg glaze and now the fam is hurling, literally hurling, like absolutely *catapulting* their guts into next week and they're blaming ME like it's MY fault they can't appreciate a piquant beige gel that livens up hot dogs, omelets, bagels, you name it
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i wonder how many times I've seen a dude flub a skateboard trick in my life.....gotta be around nine million
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movie reviews are always like "then geoffrey and estelle must make a difficult decision" cmon that's will smith and bo derek we can't be bothered to know their made up names
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PLEASE back my yakstarter so i can purchase 1 yak. ROI will be bonkers: a picture of me braiding the yak’s fur, a podcast of me talking to the yak about my problems, a coffee mug (not yak themed). gold tier donators will be visited by the yak late at night when the yak is hungry
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you know what a good popcorn movie is? all of them, you can eat popcorn while you watch fucken schindlers list it tastes great
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in my day if we wanted to "stream" a new album we had to put a cassette on a little paper boat and send it down a river and hope someone would listen to it :-) it was so god damn stupid
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ok guys let's talk next steps: Jimbo you handle that powerpoint, i'm gonna hop on a fishing boat and earn my keep by hunting mermen for their lucrative tail-meat and then years later die of a broken heart (it gets broken by a vengeful merman stabbing a trident through it lol)
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so is there a MRS. Mister? .....how do you pin a tweet this is the one
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I yawned and it made you yawn. How does it feel to be my plaything, succumbing to my every whim? You pathetic pawn! I possess you, body and soul! Ugh this tweet is boring YAWWWN haha I did it again
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i love my friends!!! (my mom and the wad of dryer lint i named Kevin Sanders)
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ME: hey how was your sunday
YOU: good, i took a long walk
ME: um no need to brag about how long your walk was, nobody's impressed
YOU:
ME: OOH how LONG was your LONG walk GRETCHEN
YOU:
ME:
YOU: weren't you fired last month? why are you still here
ME: i just miss you guys
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i guess kids today don't know what carob is. must be nice!!
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there's a lot of buzz about LORDE and that's great but there's another cool LORD i'd like to rap about ;)
i of course mean Zathog the Dark Lord of Whirling Vortices to whom i have pledged my eternal soul but so far he hasn't gotten back to me :(
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Got the call I been dreading for 15 years: "We need your magic, man."
It's funny how fast we can fall back into our bad old ways. Because we WANT to.
And so tonight, Jenna's bachelorette party is gonna get a visit from the beefiest sex gandalf who ever waved a wand.
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Brands are stealing and selling your data!! In fact just now a brand stole my last bit of data (my favorite kind of cereal: peat clusters) and sold it for $4 to a man named Jeff Luxury. Now I have no data and can finally die a peaceful empty shell.
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since everyone's been asking, my nighttime routine is: rub gold bond into my gums, file my teeth, put in my moisturizing retainer, apply my syrup mask, carve a rune into my headboard to fend off sleep terrors, then play this phone game where you touch a lemur and watch an ad
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summer's almost over and i haven't played even one game of badminton. if i don't swat a shuttlecock soon i will lose my mind. i must feel a manicured lawn beneath my tanned muscular feet and refresh myself with a gin rickey made by my father in law or i will die of sorrow
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NEVER apologize for WHO YOU ARE!! unless you're the pits like me….sorry about that, everyone
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- ooh have you been watching that show??
- not yet i've been meaning to
- the first six seasons are bad but then it gets REALLY stupid
- ok i'll stick with it
- the plot makes no sense but the acting is awful i love it
- ok i will watch it so we have something to talk about
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i know i said i wasn’t gonna get political on here but the vice president of the central auburn elena ferrante book club can go straight to hell
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songs in the 90s were always ORDERING you to get on the dance floor NOW it's like hey friend i will get there eventually please respect my journey*
*just kidding please do NOT respect my journey, it is stupid as hell
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i love group photos where people are leaning into the shot even though there's tons of room
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