The centaur got high on drugs, waxed his chest, then galloped to Whole Foods where he purchased a bale of organic hay. That's all I have on my romance novel so far. Working title is "Half Man, Half Horse...All Man"
Josh Fireland’s Tweets
[strums autoharp] this one's called "Come Back Babe (There Are Still Three More Verses)"
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video games 1991: press A to make the hedgehog jump
video games 2021: press A to comfort the hedgehog as it contemplates the nature of grief and memory
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google's not finding it but anyone else remember this 90s commercial where a little girl spills something and her dad just starts *screaming* at her and says something like "your mother, your TRUE mother, will be very displeased" and then it says Ruffles Light?
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i made my signature garlic nutmeg glaze and now the fam is hurling, literally hurling, like absolutely *catapulting* their guts into next week and they're blaming ME like it's MY fault they can't appreciate a piquant beige gel that livens up hot dogs, omelets, bagels, you name it
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i wonder how many times I've seen a dude flub a skateboard trick in my life.....gotta be around nine million
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movie reviews are always like "then geoffrey and estelle must make a difficult decision" cmon that's will smith and bo derek we can't be bothered to know their made up names
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PLEASE back my yakstarter so i can purchase 1 yak. ROI will be bonkers: a picture of me braiding the yak’s fur, a podcast of me talking to the yak about my problems, a coffee mug (not yak themed). gold tier donators will be visited by the yak late at night when the yak is hungry
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you know what a good popcorn movie is? all of them, you can eat popcorn while you watch fucken schindlers list it tastes great
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in my day if we wanted to "stream" a new album we had to put a cassette on a little paper boat and send it down a river and hope someone would listen to it :-) it was so god damn stupid
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ok guys let's talk next steps: Jimbo you handle that powerpoint, i'm gonna hop on a fishing boat and earn my keep by hunting mermen for their lucrative tail-meat and then years later die of a broken heart (it gets broken by a vengeful merman stabbing a trident through it lol)
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I yawned and it made you yawn. How does it feel to be my plaything, succumbing to my every whim? You pathetic pawn! I possess you, body and soul! Ugh this tweet is boring YAWWWN haha I did it again
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i love my friends!!! (my mom and the wad of dryer lint i named Kevin Sanders)
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ME: hey how was your sunday
YOU: good, i took a long walk
ME: um no need to brag about how long your walk was, nobody's impressed
YOU:
ME: OOH how LONG was your LONG walk GRETCHEN
YOU:
ME:
YOU: weren't you fired last month? why are you still here
ME: i just miss you guys
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there's a lot of buzz about LORDE and that's great but there's another cool LORD i'd like to rap about ;)
i of course mean Zathog the Dark Lord of Whirling Vortices to whom i have pledged my eternal soul but so far he hasn't gotten back to me :(
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Got the call I been dreading for 15 years: "We need your magic, man."
It's funny how fast we can fall back into our bad old ways. Because we WANT to.
And so tonight, Jenna's bachelorette party is gonna get a visit from the beefiest sex gandalf who ever waved a wand.
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Brands are stealing and selling your data!! In fact just now a brand stole my last bit of data (my favorite kind of cereal: peat clusters) and sold it for $4 to a man named Jeff Luxury. Now I have no data and can finally die a peaceful empty shell.
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since everyone's been asking, my nighttime routine is: rub gold bond into my gums, file my teeth, put in my moisturizing retainer, apply my syrup mask, carve a rune into my headboard to fend off sleep terrors, then play this phone game where you touch a lemur and watch an ad
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summer's almost over and i haven't played even one game of badminton. if i don't swat a shuttlecock soon i will lose my mind. i must feel a manicured lawn beneath my tanned muscular feet and refresh myself with a gin rickey made by my father in law or i will die of sorrow
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NEVER apologize for WHO YOU ARE!! unless you're the pits like me….sorry about that, everyone
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- ooh have you been watching that show??
- not yet i've been meaning to
- the first six seasons are bad but then it gets REALLY stupid
- ok i'll stick with it
- the plot makes no sense but the acting is awful i love it
- ok i will watch it so we have something to talk about
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i know i said i wasn’t gonna get political on here but the vice president of the central auburn elena ferrante book club can go straight to hell
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songs in the 90s were always ORDERING you to get on the dance floor NOW it's like hey friend i will get there eventually please respect my journey*
*just kidding please do NOT respect my journey, it is stupid as hell
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i love group photos where people are leaning into the shot even though there's tons of room
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starburst is not food, i don’t even know what it is……….this tweet is more of a note to myself, you can skip it
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this funeral is pretty bad but still better than the time Dave walked me through the story of Rush's 2112
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"grab" means "to grasp or seize suddenly and roughly" so NO i do NOT want to "grab a coffee" you weirdo!! also i am terrified of human contact
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it has been 3:30 on a tuesday afternoon for most of my adult life and i simply cannot take it anymore
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my greatest fear is someone saying "that reminds me of a little ditty" and then putting one of those harmonica holders around their neck
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i mean who HASN'T won a james beard award at this point, that guy hands em out like candy. i got one for making a kiwi look sort of like an ewok
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it is important to follow your dreams and my main dream is to end a call by snapping my phone in half like a perforated graham cracker
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ok time to stand up, this should go great [SFX: nick nolte eating kettle chips] that is a very normal sound for my knees to make [SFX: uzi shootout between howler monkeys in corduroy suits] that is neither terrifying nor deafening
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Listerine label: kills 99.9% of germs that cause bad breath, plaque and gingivitis
Dr. Listerine: so close to perfection [weeps] [jumps off cliff] [lands in kiddie pool] haha ok universe, message received! i shall continue my life's work! [trips on shoelace] [dies of gingivitis]
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i will only eat sea salt and that is FINAL i will NEVER eat land or sky salt EVER
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