
top 5 funniest things that happened in NZ 

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2. the lady driving the train at the wildlife park, which is an epic saga, and makes me cry with laughter. this park, it’s pretty big. there’s a cute lil train that drives round it, so we figure, hey, let’s hop on that first and head round to the big cats. we’re near-ish the
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train stop, and we see it coming, perfect timing! so we amble over to the stop at a steady pace. it’s pretty early in the morning, there aren’t many people, everything’s very chill, it’s grand. we are very clearly walking towards the train stop (and let’s keep in mind that by
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‘train’ i mean one of those toy-like ones, with no windows or doors, just little carts being pulled round [zebra-printed]) but the driver? doesn’t stop the train? she carries on? the train is driving at approximately 2mph, so ollie does the best dad run i have ever seen, and
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awkwardly waves to the driver. ollie is keeping pace with the rolling train, and is essentially walking alongside it at this point. i already have tears in my eyes. the driver stops, and lets us get on, but informs us we are supposed to use the official train stops. the one we
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were a couple metres away from. but she’ll let us on for now. very generous of her. SINCE THERE’S NO ONE ELSE ON IT. she honestly would have preferred to drive round an empty train than to stop a couple metres past the ‘official stop’. so we get on. all is well. we drive past the
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gorilla sanctuary, and she gives us a lovely speech about what they’re doing there with the gorillas, and a little more about the park, and then drops us off at the big cats, with a stern reminder that she’s not allowed to wait, and to catch the train again, YOU MUST USE THE
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DESIGNATED STOPS. we see the big cats. they’re on fine form. we wander for a bit. we decide to catch the train again back round to the gorillas. this time, we stand firmly at the marked stop. the woman is pleased. we have pleased her. she remembers us. she greets us. we set off
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again. we pass the original stop from this morning, and trundle on towards the gorillas. once again, we are the only passengers on the train, on this very empty day. she launches into the exact same gorilla speech, word for word. word. for. word. even the same jokes, with the
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same bad delivery. she has memorised her gorilla script. along with the train stops. and her response to people who don’t stand by them. is she even human? who knows. not us; we were too busy stumbling off the train trying not to crack tf up.
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1. and finally. the moment that will never be topped. that i will never forget. that has never made me laugh quite so hard. the day we went to the mud springs in rotorua, with the world’s most questionable tour guide. buckle up.
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there’s a lot happening in rotorua, so there are a lot of different coaches driving round, and they all use the same stops. we head to one of these, where we’re supposed to be picked up by the company who organised our tour for the day, round the mud springs place.
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we get there Proper Early, like the good lil tourists we are, and we watch as one by one, all the other lil tourists leave to get on very respectable-looking, branded coaches, off to have a grand day. we give it fifteen minutes past the time it was meant to be there, and then we
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give the tour company a call. no answer. we try a couple more times. no answer. we’re thinking, shit, we’ve been swindled. suddenly a glorified minibus zooms in, and a guy who truly looks like he woke up ten minutes ago, took three shots of espresso and a red bull, and got behind
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the wheel, announces that he is, indeed, our tour guide for the day. he apologises for being late. we’re all cool. we head to the back of the bus. i pray he doesn’t check his phone. a lot of missed calls. he drives round picking more people up. it becomes very evident he has no
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set route. he’s doing whatever the fuck he wants. he tries to provide commentary as we go, like a real tour guide, and thus sets in motion the funniest tour either of us are ever going to have. highlights include: - pointing out trees. ‘loads of trees’ - informing us that ‘this
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road we’re currently driving up has a lot of hotels. longest road of hotels in the world.’ a blatant, ridiculous lie he made up on the spot. why did he say that??? - drawing our attention to the welcome sign for the park, which is when ollie lost it, thinking he was actually
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pointing out the sign as a point of interest for the tour - ignoring all the other coaches driving away from this one spot, and instead leading our group down this overgrown non-path, literally moving branches aside to get through, until we reach a natural thermal pool, which he
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says he goes swimming with his friends in a lot, as we stand right by a sign which explicitly says ‘do not swim here’ since the water carries a risk of severe infection. I STILL DO NOT KNOW IF THIS DAY WAS EVEN REAL OR IF IT WAS JUST A STRANGE LUCID DREAM BC CMON. the end. :)
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