Fake Metro Trains

@fakemetrotrains

The official parody Metro Trains Melbourne account bringing you non-bullshit news and updates. .

Melbourne
Joined November 2009
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  1. 20 hours ago

    Metro 5.10pm Update: train services are unaffected by the large industrial fire in West Footscray and are running normally. This is fucked as now we’ll have to find another excuse to shitcan services.

    5 retweets 34 likes
    Undo
  2. Aug 27

    We’ve decided to rename the new Mernda station to “South Whittlesea” just so we can say we extended the line to Whittlesea. Clever, huh?

    4 retweets 35 likes
    Undo
  3. Retweeted
    Aug 26

    Hey no one seems too concerned that your info re line says Newport instead of Newmarket. I mean, if you can't get that right...

    6 retweets 16 likes
    Undo
  4. Aug 24

    A reminder that the Mernda extension opens this Sunday. Existing South Morang passengers can look forward to additional services and more overcrowding.

    1 retweet 21 likes
    Undo
  5. Aug 22

    Ok, this was a funnier joke. Why didn't we think of this?

    Replying to @fakemetrotrains
    Will trains still stop at other Loop stations, if only Parliament is shut down?
    9 retweets 52 likes
    Undo
  6. Retweeted
    Aug 22

    We are putting one Liberal politician on each tramline at terminus. First one to get to the CBD, and not get pinged by the tram cops, gets to be party leader.

    3 replies 17 retweets 66 likes
    Undo
  7. Aug 22

    In the midst of the current leadership turmoil Parliament has been suspended until next scheduled sitting on Monday September 10th. We're currently seeking advice to see if we can suspend train services Melbourne-wide until Monday September 10th.

    3 replies 7 retweets 33 likes
    Undo
  8. Aug 22

    Good morning Melbourne! All lines are running well this morning and we couldn’t be more disappointed.

    1 reply 3 retweets 19 likes
    Undo
  9. Retweeted
    Aug 21

    Our new timetables are out, and this time they are Scratch To Win. Get three travel times the same and you’ll win a tram turning up at that time. Scratchies start from just $1, and remember to always gamble on public transport reliability responsibility.

    3 replies 9 retweets 28 likes
    Undo
  10. Aug 22

    The 5.44pm FSS-Upfield service will not operate today because we really can’t think of a good reason to run it.

    13 likes
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  11. Retweeted
    Aug 21

    “Australian prime ministers are like a well-functioning train system. If you miss one, there’s always another one just around the corner” — Alex Braae

    5 retweets 23 likes
    Undo
  12. Retweeted
    Aug 20
    Replying to

    I’d vote for this. We could have takeover too

    1 reply 1 retweet 10 likes
    Undo
  13. Aug 20

    Now this Liberal party leadership challenge nonsense is over, should we contest leadership of Melbourne's train network? Pretty sure people would prefer us running the system over .

    2 replies 8 retweets 39 likes
    Undo
  14. Aug 20

    Good morning Melbourne! All lines are running well this morning, assuming you’re willing to be flexible in your definition of the word “well”.

    1 reply 1 retweet 34 likes
    Undo
  15. Aug 19

    Rail Safety Week is now over, but remember "Don't Be A Fuckwit Around Trains" applies all year. And now back to our regularly scheduled shitposting.

    1 reply 3 retweets 30 likes
    Undo
  16. Retweeted
    Aug 18
    Replying to

    Great tweets recently. A now BS approach to rail safety.

    1 retweet 1 like
    Undo
  17. Aug 18

    A train will be able to stop if you walk or drive in front of it at a level crossing. To clarify, this is a minimum of about 400m after it runs you down or crushes the shit of your car and all inside. Don't be a fuckwit around trains or level crossings.

    1 reply 6 retweets 41 likes
    Undo
  18. Retweeted
    Aug 13

    At Fortescue, we are all on-board for Rail Safety Week. This year, we have teamed up with to bring an important safety message to communities living close to our operations in the Pilbara.

    9 retweets 17 likes
    Undo
  19. Aug 18

    ARG driver Joshua. Don't be a fuckwit around trains.

    2 retweets 13 likes
    Undo
  20. Retweeted
    Aug 17

    Rail Safety Week continues over the weekend. There may be reduced services, but that’s no reason to reduce your alertness around trams and trains.

    2 retweets 7 likes
    Undo

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