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Fake AP Stylebook
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Style tips for proper writing. contact: fakeapstylebook at gmail dot com. No submissions, please. All material copyright The Bureau Chiefs, LLC.
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It's "Write MORE Good," jackass.
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If you get thirsty, make sure you're drinking from the right water fountain. #RNC
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In all political stories from now on, be sure to note whether or not the trains run on time.
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It's never too early for your political columnists to start speculating on the 2020 King of Hobomerica death-fight primaries.
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How about you just call it fucking fascism on first reference for once in your goddamn life.
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Don't be murdered.
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Don't forget your local elections this year, as whoever wins the mayoral race will most certainly run Bartertown.
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The past tense of "Netflix" is "Netflucked."
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Accept/Except - Except for skilled ninjas, HYDRA is not accepting any new agents.
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"LEGO" is the plural. The singular is "Legum."
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It is unethical to get involved in a sexual relationship with a source, so after this next time it is seriously over.
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Always capitalize "Bible." You don't want to get letters from those people.
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Imperial units should only be used when measuring general levels of rebel scum.
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"Curses, foiled!" on first usage, "Curses, foiled again!" for all subsequent usage. #VillainGrammar
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"Airwolf" is also an adjective. ("Rad Max decapitated the Baron with a reverse flip on his dirtbike. It was totally Airwolf.")
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Are you on "Hollywood Squares"? If so, you can say "For the Win." Everyone else, knock that shit off.
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Referring to lies as "lies" may hurt someone's feelings. Instead call them "freedom truths."
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Use a comma after every item in a list of three or more, but then take back one comma to honor the Hebrew God whose sentence this is.
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The correct plural of ocelot is oceshitload. Ocefuckton is vulgar and should be avoided.
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REMINDER: this week is the DEMOCRATIC National Convention, but we understand how you might be confused.
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EDITORS: Further GOP additions to the Democratic Party platform will xmit across the wire at 2:35PM EST. #DNC
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SCHEDULE ALERT: Joe Biden's "Crazy Old Man Yells At Empty Chair" speech moved from VP's hotel suite to the Wed. keynote. #DNC
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Save money: get your graphics department to re-purpose those old nuclear blast/fallout zone maps for the school re-openings this fall.
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We were poking around through some old editions, and turns out we already had a word for "cancel culture." It's "consequences." So just use that.
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When writing stories about White House advisor Stephen Miller, budget column inches for a pull quote from the subject. He typically only needs 14 words.
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Don't ask why.
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It's "Honk Kong" now.
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If our tips have helped you become a better copy editor, one of our own, , could use a little help now.
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Our policy on using the phrase "love in the time of coronavirus."
Read: tl.gd/n_1sr9r8p
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You may wish to acknowledge our heroic American anti-mask freedom fighters in their own section to avoid overwhelming the obituaries.
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Do not compare Trump rallies to Nuremberg rallies. Nuremberg rallies were large gatherings of Nazis.
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AP’s style is now to capitalize Black in a racial, ethnic or cultural sense, conveying an essential and shared sense of history, identity and community among people who identify as Black, including those in the African diaspora and within Africa.
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"Lied" takes up less headline space than "said."
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When quoting a police union representative, be sure to balance their perspective with a token quote from someone who isn't a huge piss-baby liar.
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Your primary responsibility as opinion editors is to open the Overton Window as wide as possible so that you have enough room to defenestrate marginalized people.
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If you're as tired of writing about these overwrought celebrity message videos as we are, maybe they'll stop if we all grit our teeth and tweet "They did it! The famous people stopped injustice! It's all fixed!"
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Effective immediately, all datelines should now be "THESE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES —".
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