Imagine if I just pinned this stupid tweet right here?
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pete ‘nickname’ johansson
@escarius
pete ‘nickname’ johansson’s Tweets
I bet the last thing the #SupremeCourt court does this season is pin America down and slowly let a huge loogie drip into its face.
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I get so moved by stories of heroism and sacrifice.
My wife says it’s cause I’m fat.
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I hearted your message. Then you hearted my heart, which I liked. Then you liked my like, so I thumbs up’d your like. And then you just fucking ghost my thumbs!? What is your problem? #meaningfulrelattionships
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Are you looking for something to do on my birthday (Nov 6th) in Montreal? Well, you’re welcome. The very funny is taping a special at The Diving Bell. Tix and info in quoted tweet:)
Quote Tweet
Hey, French Canada, Are you free November 6th? 
We are SO proud to present this debut album recording, LIVE in MTL, with the outrageous @thelucygervais.
#LinkInBio for tickets to the 8 and 10 PM show, held at The Diving Bell Social Club / Club Social Le Scaphandre.
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Hi Canada! What's up?
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Hey I just dropped my first album in 10 years today. I hope you like it. You can stream or buy it here: )
Apple Music
music.apple.com/ca/album/passi
Spotify:
open.spotify.com/album/4hicmbSe
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‘Personality’ is now just an attractive person who sticks their tongue out in a selfie.
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“What is Dewar’s?”
“Christ Son! Dewars is what you’re gonna smell on Gods breath when he lets you into heaven!”
May you catch a whiff today. #RipTorn
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On the rare event that I can’t muster an erection my wife likes to help out by humming the Mission Impossible theme. This always puzzles the Uber driver. ‘It’s not about you!’ I’ll say. And then the awkwardness will revive my dick. And she’ll climb back on. I have a 4 star rating
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Honestly this should be required viewing for everyone in Toronto’s city planning dept as well as a major factor in who we vote into govt.
Quote Tweet
WATCH: This is quite possibly the most comprehensive interview I’ve ever done on urban transportation & mobility. Filmed in Vienna for an upcoming Paris-based documentary. Watch it, quote it, & please spread it around. youtube.com/watch?v=WgExzJ
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Dad used to tell us about when he was traded to Vancouver for Don Cherry way back. And when he showed up there was a huge party. He thought ‘Wow these guys are excited to have me!’ But it turned out they were celebrating cause they got rid of #doncherry Anyways I can’t skate.
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I jump from my seat and run over to help someone struggling with a baby carriage trying to open a door and then see a dog is in it.
This is everything that’s wrong with our world.
Everything.
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Phenomenal read:)
Title was supposed to be “So the President F*cking Hates My Girlfriend (& 10 Other Things I Want You to Know Before the World Cup Semifinals)” but we ran out of space. My bad. Thanks for reading. GO . theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles via
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I reviewed another cheap wine
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On #July4th Trump is having a Military Weapons parade which basically promotes the corporate billionaires who make them. A true ‘Patriot’ would have a parade of Veterans being led to adequate shelter, healthcare & financial support to stop them from being homeless and forgotten.
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Hey PETE!
Ugh. Hey Justin.
Happy Pride!
You too. And, ..uhm could you get your shit together so we all don’t end up with a Conservative government this fall?
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My 🧠 during #pride parade.
*i need to hit the gym.
*omg I’m out of shape
*i might be old too
*why can’t I tan?
*i’m sweating soo much
‘Yay! Acceptance, Inclusivity & Love💕!
*ugh, I have no fashion sense
*i think I smell
*look at how happy everyone is, let it go:)
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‘Instagram music isn’t available in your region’ - my gravestone.
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If life gives you clichés, then just make yourself clichéd.
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Jesus Christ... is someone who’s cool with this according to republicans.
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Inside one of Trump’s concentration camps for migrants children:
Flu, lice outbreaks, filth, sick kids sleeping on cold floors, 4toddlers were unresponsive, feverish & vomiting when lawyers visited them... Mothers begged for help but were denied by guards. newyorker.com/news/q-and-a/i
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Father’s Day was invented by a total disappointment of a child trying to win approval from his dad.
#FathersDay2019
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I tried the DJ Khaled setting on Waze, and he just introduces the destination and then gets more talented navigators to give you directions.
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Stand up comedy is the one thing I can consistently feel like a failure at for a decade while simultainiously thinking I’m the greatest.
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Is anyone else just thinking about the colour of their shoes? Why yellow and orange? And why’s there a tree on the jersey with ‘town’ on a team called golden state warriors? None of this makes any sense?! Go Raptors! #WeTheNorh
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Why does Boeing advertise on TV? Omg? What time does Boeing close? I just remembered I gotta get to the Boeing store to buy some Boeing. Fucking dicks. Nobody’s buying a plane after the break.
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If Adam and Eve followed a Keto diet we’d all still be in the garden of eden.
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I’m headlining the this weekend. If you choose to come see me I promise I won’t let anyone from California upset me from winning!
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Genuinely find it amazing that conservatives will argue countries need to strictly control immigration because they can’t handle the influx of small percentage of people, yet don’t believe the planet is damaged by unlimited industry and population growth.
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❤️❤️❤️🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻❤️❤️❤️
❤️❤️❤️🙌🏻🇨🇦🙌🏻❤️❤️❤️
❤️❤️❤️🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻❤️❤️❤️
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With the #Raptors about to hit the global stage, I’m going to share a story about what makes Toronto, and Canada, so special. It’s about a guy you’re going to be seeing a whole lot of.
A Thread.
[Hint: It's about racism, sports, and why you'll end up cheering for 
]
]Show this thread
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Alcohol consumption is the single largest contributing factor to violent crime, death and property destruction. It’s a leading cause of cancer, and destroys families... Keep promoting cheap beer you simplistic twat. Canadians want housing costs lowered, & better services.
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Thanks to TAXES, Canadians are paying $20 more for a case of beer. Last year, Justin Trudeau brought in his beer tax, which will go up every year and further drive up prices. He’s failing to make life more affordable for Canadians.
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Last show in Scotland! Then so long, farewell, Auf vederzaine, goodbye... the jokes have gone to bed and so must I... goodbye.
Quote Tweet
BANK HOLIDAY SPECIAL (TONIGHT!) with @petejohansson @RoCampbellComic @johngavincomedy @Susan_Riddell_ & @redmondmichael1 Doors 7:45/Show 8:30pm Tix: £10/£9 here ow.ly/aoNG30oOIiG BOOK NOW! #Glasgow #Comedy Come & join us for a laugh!
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Hiking in Scotland & every hr I’d pass other folk and we’d all say ‘hi!’
Near the end of a peninsula I passed a fella and said ‘hi’ and he ignored it. So I go, ‘it’s ok, don’t need a hello!’
And he snarls ‘Do you think I’m way out in the fuck nowhere to chat to Cunts!?’❤️ 🏴
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Theresa May resigning without completing Brexit reminds me of the IKEA shelving unit my wife broke, then stormed out and left me to assemble that’s still sitting in pieces in our storage unit, un-returnable, un-usable and still cost us money.
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Just ate this. Also, anyone notice how the economies of honour and respect have been encouraged to collapse and be replaced with the economy of money which is what’s destabilized our ability to improve our circumstances? Yum!!! It’s berries and thick cream with Swerve!
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