Someday I will tell you the story of the day I had today, and it will be the greatest twitter story I have ever told. Someday.
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So about a week ago, Dwight took a shit on the bathroom floor. It was my fault; I was gone a lot longer than I’d expected. So when I walked in the house and smelled it, I thought yeah, okay. Harsh but fair.
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So I walk into the bathroom to clean it up, and look down and...there is a footprint in the dog shit. Adam was at work the whole time. I hadn’t stepped into the bathroom, but I checked my shoes because...what.
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It was not my footprint. You guys. I was shook. A ghost stepped in dog shit in my bathroom and did not even clean it up.
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I KNOW, IT GETS WORSEhttps://twitter.com/anglivetweets/status/986472704734834690?s=21 …
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We live in a little compound with four units, and we’re good friends with the people in two of them. The third was rented out for just this month to a very strange couple with an adorable husky puppy. So I ask the friends.
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“Um, hey, did anyone come in our house this afternoon and go in our bathroom and step in dog shit and then leave?” ... No. Not the friends. At this point I feel like it’s even odds ghost/weird neighbors. Nothing is missing, so I clean up the shit and start locking my doors.
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Fast forward to today. I’ve been locking my doors and closing windows because the neighbors are creepy. I lock up, and head out to my car so I can pick up the kids I babysit from school. I’m parked in the alley out back, which is super convenient. Usually.
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Today, however, the end of the alley is blocked off by at least four unmarked police cars. There are a dozen cops. I can kind of see someone handcuffed on the ground. Lots of plainclothes cops. Shit is going down.
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It’s a dead-end alley. I’m blocked in. I figure I need to ask them if they can move the arrest over a few feet. Nbd. I set my car keys, phone, and wallet down on the seat of the car. And then, distracted af, I hit the lock button. And close the door.
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Have you ever locked your whole life in a car in the middle of a police raid.
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I do not recommend it. I froze. Like a deer in the headlights. And I literally looked up at the sky and said...wait what happens now.
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Let me tell you what happens. I immediately start trying to break into my car through the window that’s cracked open. And then I realize there are like A DOZEN COPS AT THE END OF THE ALLEY.
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And I do not have time to be arrested for breaking into my own car. So I think, okay, I’ll just go use the computer to...email someone. For help. But I locked my doors because of the creepy neighbors.
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I swear to god, I start walking around the compound kind of flapping my arms going “think, think, think.” I try the neighbors. Even the creepy neighbors. Not home. But one of my friends left a door unlocked. I go in, because it’s not breaking and entering if it’s an emergency.
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I immediately realize this is 2018 and they don’t have a landline or a desktop computer. I steal a Diet Coke from their fridge because now’s as good a time as any to fall off the wagon.
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I run back to the alley, drinking the Diet Coke and chanting think think think and I see there are even more cops. I run back through the compound out the front. And then I realize my only option is to go to the closet business and use their phone. I run to mf Baskin Robbins.
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As I run, I pass the end of the alley from the other side. And I realize the cop cars are all centered around an SUV with a husky puppy in the back. And I think, hey that dog looks fam- OH MY FUCKING GOD.
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MY CREEPY NEIGHBORS ARE BEING ARRESTED IN SOME MAJOR STING OPERATION AND IT’S NOT EVEN MY MAIN PROBLEM BECAUSE SCHOOL IS ABOUT TO LET OUT AND I HAVE NO PHONE.
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I see them, my creepy neighbors, cuffed on the sidewalk. And I think, omg I should call my friends and tell th- NO ERIN, THINK, YOU HAVE NO PHONE, GO TO BASKIN-ROBBINS.
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So I run into Baskin-Robbins, and I was maybe a bit hysterical at this point because I kind of yelled HELLO YES CAN I USE YOUR PHONE TO CALL THE SCHOOL MY NEIGHBORS ARE BEING ARRESTED.
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The very nice employee asked me if I wanted to maybe sit down. And she handed me a phone. Like, a cordless phone. And I swear to god, I looked at it and thought BUT HOW DO I FIND THE PHONE NUMBERS.
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I looked at her and said “do you have a phone book” and she said “a what” and I just started laughing hysterically because there’s nothing like being reminded you’re getting old in the middle of a crisis at the Baskin Robbins.
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I finally calm down. She looks up the school’s number for me. I call to let them know I’ll be there as soon as I can. I call AAA. They tell me the locksmith will call when he arrives. I tell them okay, but this is Baskin Robbins so they won’t care.
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I go back to my house. My creepy neighbors are still being arrested. Animal Control has arrived for that sweet puppy. I go sit on my porch and finish my Diet Coke.
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The AAA guy shows up. I tell him to park in my driveway, the car’s out back. And he says “well how can I tow it if it’s in the back.” And I’m like “uh, you don’t, I just need you to unlock it.” And he’s like “I’m here to tow.” And I’m like “no you aren’t goddammit”
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And then I realize. “Wait did the police call you?” And he said yeah, Glendale PD. And I was like omfg you’re here to impound my neighbor’s car, ugh, go to the alley and look for all the cops.
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I go back to the porch. I wish I had another Diet Coke.
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My AAA guy finally shows up. He says “what’s with all the cops” and I’m like “yeah, weird day” and he’s like “no kidding, I got called to tow a car earlier and there were three bodies in it” and I was like “OKAY FINE YOU WIN.”
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