Erik TorenbergVerified account

2/ The Magic Question: "What would need to be true for you to...X?"https://twitter.com/eriktorenberg/status/1069980876350676998 …

3/ On evaluating where someone’s head is at regarding a topic they are being wishy-washy about or delaying. “Gun to the head—what would you decide now?” “Fast forward 6 months after your sabbatical--how would you decide: what criteria is most important to you?”

4/ Other Q’s re: decisions: “Putting aside a list of pros/cons, what’s the *one* reason you’re doing this?” “Why is that the most important reason?” “What’s end-game here?” “What does success look like in a world where you pick that path?”

5/ When listening, after empathizing, and wanting to help them make their own decisions without imposing your world view: “What would the best version of yourself do”?

6/ When someone asks you a personal or vulnerable question and you don’t yet have an answer, although you want to answer soon: “The Quakers have this idea where you don’t speak unless the spirit moves you. I'm waiting for the spirit to move me.” h/t a friend

7/ When someone confronts you w/ a problem they have with you A/ Thanks for sharing because I value this relationship + want both of us to get needs met B/ What I heard was X (summary)-- was that accurate? C/ How can I contribute to meeting your needs?

8/ When really angry: “….” Don't’ say anything! Take a lap. Or cold shower. Workout. Change your mind state before re-entering the conversation

9/ When really angry during the heat of the moment: “....” Still don’t say anything! Ask for a pause: “Do you mind if we take a quick break and return tonight? I want to make sure I can fully listen to your story + appreciate where you are coming from.” That last part is key.

10/ When giving unsolicited feedback “…” Probably best not to. Unless you ask the caveat: "Are you interested in hearing feedback?"

11/ When confronting somebody: Instead of “Why did you do that?” Maybe: “What was going on for you?”

12/ Discovering ambition: “If you had a billion dollars what would you do with a) the money b) your time”? This shows where they want to change society and what they truly want to be doing.

13/ "What was your past manager (or friend) like?" This determines how they'll talk about you in the future--whether they'll view you in a charitable light or not.

14/ When rambling with nowhere to go: “I’m going to pause right there for reactions”https://twitter.com/eriktorenberg/status/968893116257255424 …

15/ in group meetings when two people are talking about something unrelated: “Let’s take this offline”.

16/ When assessing VC/founder alignment in an VC pitch: “Why not bootstrap it so you can control your own destiny and have more optionality over selling for 50m, 100m?” Also just a good question for every founder to ask themselves.

17/ Note: conversational frameworks are effective when coming from a genuine place of wanting mutual benefit--seeking win-win.https://twitter.com/eriktorenberg/status/1069982578373988354 …

18/ When someone asks a somewhat vague Q: "What's the question behind the question?"

Good way to avoid sharing confidential information when asked while also making someone feel OK: “I can’t share this [confidential information] with you - I hope this assures you that when someone asks me for confidential information about you, I’ll act the same way.”

Good disclaimer to add when giving a negative reference: "But that was a couple years ago, things could have changed, and my recollection could be tainted by a personal bias. I’d make sure to reference with people they’ve worked with more recently."

At the end of conversations, especially debates: "Here's a summary of my main point, *and I'll let you have the last word*" h/t @bencasnocha @EconTalker