engagedharma.net

i'm still like WOW you can decide to do a thing and if your life situation is fairly stable you can get progressively better at it AND learn to not blame yourself for finding things impossible before

a number of factors came together to make my early life a perfect shitstorm that i would unknowingly replicate throughout my twenties even as i thought i was escaping it

and now a number of factors have come together to help a sense of self finally emerge from what feels like a true wet paper bag, and that sense of self is THRILLED at being able to play guitar, run, make dinner

the relational bit is still difficult for me: i can SEE all the ways i crave connection but also find connection excruciating and avoid it.

anyway thanks for listening to my somewhat vague rant

i do not really know how to capture in words the way that decades worth of shame, which is an inhibitory state in the nervous system, seem to be melting away finally. something i did NOT know could actually happen, even when doing work specifically to address this

it's a palpable full-body sensation of NO LONGER having five miles of ice between "me" and "the world."

a thrill at being able to have an idea and make use of the body to bring that idea to fruition in connection with others... ie music