idk how to share this without triggering concerns, but I feel like I wanna just die
for a month or so
rather than going through this slow painful death of ego, where people see this current me, barely functioning -- not as good as who I was & am not as good as who I could be
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I want them to remember me "beautiful" in professional setting
I don't want to be dead for like, forever because I still want to get to enjoy being a scientist of my own life, observing, studying, and experimenting in this lab of life.
(context: resigned, in my notice period)
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"I could do so much better, I wish I could show you"
need to redeem myself. let me leave with my pride intact
but so what if my ego is decimated? I'm still here, unscathed.
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burnout does to a professional decline in knowledge work like an ex beauty pageant contestant, disfigured by fire
"I'm better than this. please don't think less of me. remember me awesome. remember me beautiful"
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what's great (not being sarcastic here) about this is the second time this year where my biggest fear actually happened, and I'm "oh that's not as scary as I thought, I am objectively fine".
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the story I'm telling myself is that everytime I finish talking, they think "what is she on about? that doesn't make much sense. i don't know what the heck she's been doing the past year, I don't see why we need her here"
useless, irrelevant, and incompetent
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it's all negative self talk
and I know the main gap is really between what I managed to present and what I have in my mind.
it's myself and myself only who condemns, judges, and crushes my own self esteem.
at least that's the only thing I can confirm / know for certain
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"But the man of age see life as a comedy. For his triumphs and his failures merge, and one is no more the occasion for pride or shame than the other; and he is neither the hero who proves himself against those forces, nor the protagonist who is destroyed by them."
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