Let me ask all of you this, and it is a serious question that I do want an answer to: who do you think I am? What sort of person do you think I am, day to day?
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I try so hard to be a good person. I try so hard to be happy. I try so hard to be who and what I need to be and who and what others need me to be, but it doesn't work. Never has. But I don't know how to fix it, and neither do you.
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I don't get to be a person to you guys most of the time. You don't know me. You don't care. And that's fine. Except I'm still not a person to those who do know me. I don't matter, but hey, neither does anything else.
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Do you think I'm happy? Do you think I want my life's purpose, my only redeeming quality to be that I'm the comic relief in the cosmic tragedy that is life?
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You see the cheascake who laughs, the cheascake who makes jokes and smiles and is mischievous. You don't see the cheascake who spends hours sobbing alone because this is it, this is all I get. You don't see the cheascake who doesn't eat for days because what's the point?
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You don't see the cheascake who spends hours leaning against an open 9th floor window in the middle of the night, desperately calling everyone and anyone just to maybe find a reason to keep going.
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You don't see her when no one picked up the phone.
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I am angry. I am furious, actually. And I don't know why. It's nobody's fault that I feel like this, but it's so unfair that anyone should.
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And what I'm learning from the dms I'm getting because of this thread is that many of you have felt the same.
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I think of a tweet I saw once, that if you are in a locked room with a sledgehammer the only correct move is to start swinging. Well, the only hammer I have right now is these words.
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anything we can do for you cheas? truly. hot meal delivered tonight, video chat with baby this weekend, other? its likely that we dont understand exactly whats going on for you. but as far as what "there is" we are here, and were glad to have you as our friend.
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