There will always be trade-offs, but in this situation, you get most of the benefits of monogamy and most of the benefits of polyamory, and eliminate most of the drawbacks of both modes It honors our need for stability and security, and our need for passion and expansiveness
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There is of course danger, so there has to be deep understanding and commitment from both parties never to allow an affair to threaten the primary relationship bond, and a commitment to the thorough, open, exhaustive communication style of polyamorous relationships
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This is perhaps the most humane mode of relating to one another, because we are all human in the long run, and we are not made for ideologies or strict categories, those things are made for us. Sexuality is not something you can control, and all attempts to do so end in tragedy.
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With this mode, we can be passionate and slutty within sane boundaries, we can remain open to sides of ourselves that we may otherwise have closed off in a monogamous commitment, we can explore kinks that our primaries are not into, etc.
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But this also encourages us to develop virtue and brings out the best in us because a scheme like this cannot work without discipline, faith and long-term commitment. You have to be very choosy about partners because there are high mutual standards. The emphasis is on quality.
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When you go into an affair, you do it with eyes wide open about your own weaknesses as a human being, the effect that it's having on your partner, the potential risks to your extraordinarily valuable primary relationship, to your lover, to their valuable primary relationship
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You also understand that at some point your partner is going to do this as well, and subject you and your relationship to everything you're about to, so you conduct yourself in a manner that will set a precedent for future healthy relations. Incentives rule everything around you.
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This is a good place to stop. For context, I grew up quite religious and very steep to monogamy culture for most of my young life, then spent years in the burning man community, practicing poly and solo poly. I am intimately familiar with both systems.
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I'm very open to hearing people's thoughts on this, as I'm considering this as a base principle for my personal sexual ethics. So I definitely want to know your thoughts, critical or otherwise. Leave them in the replies or if that feels too sensitive, feel free to DM
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Replying to @VividVoid_
occasionally when moon and i discuss eg other people having affairs when their lives are bound up our response is not moral horror but "my god that was so RECKLESS and how did they even have TIME for that" value of monogamy becomes more important with kids and a house imo
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just likepic.twitter.com/FLOYz0oopS
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Replying to @eigenrobot
100%, something that also gets lost a lot in the various sexuality discourses are that many of the ideas we have about non-monogamy are straight out of queer discourse, where children are rare and the need for stability is limited to what the adults need.
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