the failure mode seems to be interpreting apologies as being necessarily massive acts of self abnegation if someone apologizes to another this is necessarily a matter of groveling. every time its the Humiliation of Canossa there are a stack of failure modes here lets enumerate
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A) one common failure mode is interpreting an apology to oneself as necessarily an opportunity to condemn another or make outrageous demands of them an apology is an acknowledgement of a lapse and so an opportunity to destroy while one is morally outlawed
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this is in fact completely unchristian and sort of a weird development as at Canossa, an act of such abasement /imposes a tacit obligation to forgive/, as Gregory VII was forced to do in rescinding Henry IV's excommunication
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of course one can still refuse forgiveness but depending on circumstance this can make you look like Kind Of An Unreasonable Dick (complicated) but in any case responding to genuine contrition with violence is ghastly
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but such untoward aggression seems to be a common response to public apologies because they are in fact an admission of guilt which seems bad because
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B) a second and relates error is believing that an apology compels unlimited liability, or unbounded atonement if you like its not enough to make an injured party whole. the reparations must be punitive and dictated by the harmed party frankly this is insane
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if I accidentally cut in line, a quick apology and a sheepish look is appropriate going into exile in a hairshirt is not, no matter how much of a utility monster the offended party is. and if they were to insist on that. once more theyre kind of the dick now
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Replying to @eigenrobot
I think the problem here is that you make an unilateral offer of peace. For example, you have to trust that the person you cut doesnt use your apology to keep on going and going, or that the bystanders say something. Your own position is "weakened"
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Replying to @keppla
i think it's strengthened depending on how one plays it but it may partly depend on ones courage
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Replying to @eigenrobot
I'm probably not exactly an example of courage, but for me it's easier to defend someone else i know was wrong on technicalities than myself, when i see myself at fault, but disagree with the punishment.
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well, try saying "actually thats totally unreasonable and im not doing that" if someone is being outrageously exploitative of an apology sometime. :)
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Replying to @eigenrobot
Oh, i don't want do give the false impression, i do apologize, and i do defend myself. But the mental energy it costs me is irrational high compared to, e.g. say intervening in a (developing) physical fight.
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