working on a theory re: apologies and such specifically I get the sense that people have come to misunderstand apologies. I don't entirely understand them myself but I want to spitball
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the failure mode seems to be interpreting apologies as being necessarily massive acts of self abnegation if someone apologizes to another this is necessarily a matter of groveling. every time its the Humiliation of Canossa there are a stack of failure modes here lets enumerate
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A) one common failure mode is interpreting an apology to oneself as necessarily an opportunity to condemn another or make outrageous demands of them an apology is an acknowledgement of a lapse and so an opportunity to destroy while one is morally outlawed
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this is in fact completely unchristian and sort of a weird development as at Canossa, an act of such abasement /imposes a tacit obligation to forgive/, as Gregory VII was forced to do in rescinding Henry IV's excommunication
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of course one can still refuse forgiveness but depending on circumstance this can make you look like Kind Of An Unreasonable Dick (complicated) but in any case responding to genuine contrition with violence is ghastly
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but such untoward aggression seems to be a common response to public apologies because they are in fact an admission of guilt which seems bad because
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B) a second and relates error is believing that an apology compels unlimited liability, or unbounded atonement if you like its not enough to make an injured party whole. the reparations must be punitive and dictated by the harmed party frankly this is insane
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if I accidentally cut in line, a quick apology and a sheepish look is appropriate going into exile in a hairshirt is not, no matter how much of a utility monster the offended party is. and if they were to insist on that. once more theyre kind of the dick now
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Replying to @eigenrobot
the opposing party being a dick in a number of different outcomes implies that this is less a social transaction and more a social ritual; this might help understanding.
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