had a good day at work reflecting now on what my life would have been like if I had ever possessed any self-discipline some things would have been easier for me but i would have missed out on a lot
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i have to emphasize that this seems to be a fixed character trait someone posted a while ago that he was incapable of doing anything other than exactly what he wanted to be doing at any given moment and I think that roughly describes me as well so work is difficult
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the first time I remember encountering this trait in a negative way was when I was ten and I had to write a report about a vacation for school had a week to do it. just a page. absolutely couldnt make myself because I had no interest in doing so
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high school was much easier because I had memed myself into wanting to know everything and it hadnt occurred to me that women might be interested in me. so i did very well there
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a fortunate thing is that what I wanted to do at any given point in time, as a child, was pretty much universally "read" sometimes video games but mostly reading my guess is that this was one of the top lucky breaks of my life. I learned a lot
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university was where problems became apparent because my interests started to branch out beyond school and tests got hard enough that I couldnt always just solve them on the fly. and some material was really dull. sorry biochemists protein folding is boring
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so this is where I started to quit things via DGAF at various stages I have more or less dropped out of biochemistry, economics grad school, and my first job just by inexorable disinterest on full reflection I think this is Good actually
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biology is an objectively terrible career (sorry biologists) academic economics would have made me miserable like my parents were miserable my first job out of grad school was soul killing and dishonest this is not sour grapes, they are good for some people for sure
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the one major downside to all this is that I think I would be much more successful at my current job and hence richer if I were capable of significant executive function my performance reviews usually boil down to "your great on technique but jfc get your shit together"
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im getting better though. the trick seems to be getting good enough at what im doing that I don't actually have to think about it that hard --> move very quickly ---> fewer opportunities to get distracted by more interesting things
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overall I think being hopelessly undisciplined has been a net positive on my life in spite of the occasion drawbacks and that feels immensely fortunate.
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