1/ It's been a while since I've done a diary type entry, and I'm feeling kind of thoughtful and emotional tonight. Lots on my mind, in spite of this being a period of relative tranquility over the last month or two. Lots of choices to make with uncertain outcomes.
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2/ Closing the land deal feels like a milestone. It's the most permanent decision I've made in over a year, since I split from my husband. What a year. I could not possibly have predicted almost anything about my life right now a year ago. Just chaotic flux throughout.
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3/ And now I have follow-up decisions to make about how permanent I want to make it. I hate making decisions when I'm not building toward something concrete. I don't even know what that should be. I've just been wandering this year, enjoying the freedom I've worked so hard for.
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4/ I stepped outside just now and sat on the steps of my RV, smoked a cigarette, and just kind of stared into the darkness while I flicked the ash toward the desert sand. Thought about my life. Thought about where things are and where they're going.
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5/ I turn 36 in April. Specific statistics aside, it feels like stepping over the halfway point of a normal life length. I feel like I've lived multiple lifetimes already, been so many different people and in so many different situations.
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6/ I've accomplished many of the specific things I wanted to earlier in my life. I've had the big job. I've had relationships to explore. I've had lots of the experiences I specifically wanted to have when I was younger. Most importantly for me, I have my freedom to do whatever.
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7/ Lately, "what's next" has been whatever looked interesting to pursue. I guess I'm okay with this for now. I don't know what else I should be doing or would want to be doing. A friend told me once I'm at my best when I have a dragon to slay, but I'm not sure I want to pick one.
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8/ I'm watching my friends move on with their lives too. It's interesting to see that. Some are more settled than others. Some are more satisfied with their situation than others. Some of the ways those lives have turned out so far have surprised me.
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9/ One of my dearest friends is about to have his first child, and I'm so happy for him. He's wanted a family for a very long time. His wife is amazing. I think they're going to be great parents. It's very, very good. I'm a little bit jealous, too. This surprises me.
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10/ Twice I've tried so, so hard to make a marriage and a stable, happy family situation last, and twice it just hasn't worked out. I've never been sure if I've wanted a family or not. Neither of the people I was with would have been the right situation for that.
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you're family to us and you'll always be welcome in our home 
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