Like I want to be mature about it now but deep deep down I just look back and I'm like "Dude, why? If you could have just not sucked at controlling your emotions and been a little more empathetic, you could have saved me so much pain"
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And now that I'm thinking about it this tracks REALLY strongly with my opinions about childcare in general I have extremely strong emotional reactions when people don't consider how their actions might be impacting their children
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My stepdad is great but I was 5 when my parents split and it took a long time to warm up to him when I was still stuck on the loss of my dad, so I feel like there was a real gap around feeling a sense of safety and support from a father figure
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When I saw this tweet about a loving/supportive father coaching his daughter through getting a glass of water because the kitchen was dark and scary, it was kinda triggering I feel like my dad just would have radiated disappointment and told me I was being dumb
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If he was even there to do that! It's like he stuck around long enough to imprint a tulpa of this perfectionist who's always disappointed in me for feeling normal human emotions and needing support
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He was always pushing me to do things myself and take care of myself even as a small child Like it's not a terrible survival lesson but it didn't exactly create a sense of structure and safety to engage with the world in my psyche
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And out of love for him, I've never really let myself acknowledge that anger and hurt I feel toward him for elevating his needs over mine when I really needed and craved his support
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Like not only could he not make things work with my mom (takes two I guess) but then he also couldn't be a big enough person to get over his bitterness about it and own his mistakes
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Lots to process here I'm very frustrated about it now that it's surfacing a little Be kind/loving/supportive to your children even if it's hard people
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i think it is good for me to see and think about threads like this. thanks pal.
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