My first gf had the patience to tell me exactly what she wanted, to stop overthinking, etc etc and I had such a rocky start I'm not sure why she stuck around so long
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we tried long distance and i started reading pua blogs, initially to figure out ways to keep the spark alive they all said long distance was impossible and hey, look how awesome it is to date 5 girls at a time
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so of course my dumbass ruins a good thing by acting like an asshat with her and overthinking again, this time with "guaranteed strategies"
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she left, tried to be friends, and realized quickly i had turned into some weird caricature of an asshole
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the dangerous thing about PUA is that it works to get laid, maybe keep a fb around for a while
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but the shit about holding frame, never apologizing, internalizing women as lesser, eventually gets uncovered by everyone I had a fb kick me out bc she realized she had no idea who I actually was
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It took a long time to finally realize that: -I was losing friends -my remaining friends were getting gfs, were happy, & didn't know this pua stuff (I kept it secret) -I was molding my personality to maximize chances of boning on the first date, of course I was fucking lonely
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it's been a journey to unprogram the harmful parts of pua while maintaining the kernels of truth there. I'm still working on rediscovering the things I care about and am interested in.
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it's been incredibly weird to go through my journals and see aspects of myself there than I'm just now remembering I'm so glad I have those journals, bc I'm not sure I would've been able to piece together this narrative without them
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that was cathartic as hell, back to your regularly scheduled turboposting tomorrow
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