yeah! it can be tricky to navigate esp if you have a hard time tracking/perceiving subtle social dynamics and signals working on articulating this
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Replying to @selentelechia @jack_meditates and
oh! re: eigen flustering me perhaps I can clarify something while I try to describe the whole dynamic he just. so obviously didn't _need anything from me_ it wasn't that he was indifferent to me being in his life but everything about him projected a...lack of desperation?
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Replying to @selentelechia @jack_meditates and
_playfully flustering someone_ can be a way to subvert common failure modes eigen does this with me a lot, I tend to assume more implicit transactional framings/obligations inherent in favors/gifts/etc contrast with, say, an ex of mine where _something_ screamed (1/2)
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Replying to @selentelechia @jack_meditates and
(2/2) ...that he was *expecting* the gesture to result in more attachment/investment/intimacy from me and that he would be disappointed/hurt/wounded/stung if I didn't respond that way
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Replying to @selentelechia @jack_meditates and
if you were, say, extremely rich and also generous and wanted to satisfy your desire for *simply delighting people* with large gifts or expensive gestures it would be important to *also* project (somehow??) that you *did not need a goddamn thing from the recipients*
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Replying to @selentelechia @jack_meditates and
someone abundant in resources of any kind (including subtle/intangible things like social status, abliity-to-be-kind, etc!) can easily make other people feel trapped, coerced, cornered with their gifts or gestures
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Replying to @selentelechia @jack_meditates and
and sometimes that's even more coercive bc making a *visible sacrifice for someone* is almost always a signal that they expect to be "made whole" or uh, compensated (not the right word); they expect that they will get back something equivalent or greater than the sacrifice
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Replying to @selentelechia @jack_meditates and
if you are resource *poor* and wish to make some gesture for someone that anyone watching *knows* is expensive for you and you don't want to be coercive you need to be sending a lot of signals that make it believable to the recipient that you don't expect anything in return
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Replying to @selentelechia @jack_meditates and
you can do this by just being the sort of person who frequently "martyrs" themselves in some way for a good cause or by being *absurdly* self-assured, confident, etc and I'm sure there are other ways
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think maybe you can contrast big deal for giver vs big deal for recipient aiming for minimizing the first while maximizing the second is an easy way to avoid squick?
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Replying to @eigenrobot @jack_meditates and
seems partly right though it seems possible to be extremely coercive by giving gifts that are technically not a big deal to you though I guess in that case you're projecting/implying some sort of strong expectation wrt the recipient's future behavior
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