I don't really think she wants to control me She just wants to be part of my life But it FEELS like she wants to control everything around her all the time I think I spark similar feelings in people a lot of the time and it drives me crazy and I don't know how to do it less
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So when I see her sparking that feeling in me I go "Oh no is this how I make other people feel?" and I immediately want to disengage Like looking in a funhouse mirror of things I blame for making my social life feel hard sometimes
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I also feel like she doesn't really listen to me Or rather, she TRIES to listen and understand when I tell her what's going on but somehow fails to be reassuring in a way I can't quite explain and I'm trying now to articulate
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If I tell her something that's going on in my life, I feel like she's instantly trying to give me strategies to fix it, and if she's not, I feel like she's BARELY restraining herself from doing that instead of just comforting me which is really what I want
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But I'm not sure that she CAN comfort me... like the psychological baggage of our previous interactions makes me keep walls up with her all the time and I don't know how to bring them down even if she modifies her behaviors
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I've also spent a lot of time blaming myself for this and wondering if I'm just being unreasonable and crazy In high school all my friends used to gush about how warm and great and awesome she is It gave me a real complex--was I the problem?
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But now, as an adult, I've watched her struggle to maintain close, warm, nurturing relationships just like I did earlier in my life (and still do sometimes) and I attribute it to some of these behaviors I've been working really hard to fix in myself
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"She's a lot" is a thing that people would say about her and also about me at times Like at first contact people love her And then it can be kind of overwhelming over time because of the constant flow of communications and boundary issues and need for intense intimacy
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Replying to @liminal_warmth
remember when she slapped me pal it is Not You
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graduation night I made some silly inoffensive joke and she laughed really hard and then slapped me I think it was in good humor
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