The irritation is making me feel *MEAN*. Like I want to lash out and say unkind things. I've been suppressing that urge for about 24 hours now and so far have not lashed out. I'm mature enough that I will probably be able to keep a lid on it, but it creates some internal feelings
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The internal feelings it creates are unpleasant and are a mild form of suffering. I feel frustrated and alienated. I feel sad and confused. I feel unappreciated and misunderstood. This all really sucks.
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There's another piece of it too though, which is worse than just feeling like I have to sit on some anger. I feel *AFRAID* because some of the discourse stuff has reminded me yet again that I am very far away from society's mainstream positions on some very core lifestyle things.
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I've been an eccentric and an outsider for my entire life and you would really think I'd be used to this by now but I'm not. I know how to keep myself safe and I know where I can and can not express myself fully so I'm *coped* and *adapted* but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable.
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The worst things about this is that it's not merely that other people want to live differently than I want to live. I'm ok with that. In fact I cherish that. Different people should live differently. Monoculture and conformity is bad.
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No, it's that they morally judge my preferences and other people who share my preferences. Not only do they cast judgment, but they are also majorities in society and have a long track record of persecuting people with different preferences.
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I don't think I'm in any immediate danger, and certainly not from the people who posted irritating things on the internet. The sense of fear comes from my knowledge of what they represent: an authoritarian majority culture that sometimes uses violence against minority cultures.
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This is not news to me and I'm sitting on a mountain of privilege so my own person is not very threatened (right now). All of the ways in which I am a minority are invisible if I choose to conceal them and I get away with a lot of stuff. I am grateful for all of these privileges.
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What I want, though, is empathy and tolerance from people who don't share my preferences. I don't want to have to put up with their shitty judgments and their, honestly, bigotry. I don't want to be mistreated by bigots. Fuck you, bigot!
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Anyway, there's not much I can do about it and the mood will pass. If you see me being more touchy or argumentative today though that's why. I'm sorry and I'll try to do better.
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gl buddy
no idea whats going on but rest assured I am sure you are a good man and none of your undisclosed preferences are likely to change my opinion on this matter
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