which appeals to the part of me that finds it so necessary to be Independent but another part is going c'mon man have you met the whole of humanity??? people aren't fungible!
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I don't just need people and I don't just need connection I need specific people and specific ways of connecting and anything less is like cutting off my right arm
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and I can weather losing Specific People and I will be hurt and grieve for them if I lose them but I can weather it best by grieving in unison with other Specific People
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Replying to @selentelechia
I have some thoughts on this Theyre thread salient and maybe resolve some bits but also sound in my mind like relationship denegotiation (ie "stop trying to offer me space to negotiate about this your needs are Fine and Good as is nerd!!!") Poast or talk offline?
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Replying to @selentelechia
ok in no particular order: 1. I think this is a perfectly normal and healthy need. In the same way that (ime) much of a person's life--even the important bits--is bound up in their quotidian habits and environment, one's constant low-level operation may bind to everyday people
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Replying to @eigenrobot @selentelechia
2. It's probably best to view the value of Independence as a means rather than an end. Related: there are cases where cultivating (if this is even possible) a greater ability to stand alone is helpful, but this is rarely costless. What is the trade-off?
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Replying to @eigenrobot @selentelechia
3. Also related Jesus I wish Culture Writers (and also everyone but especially them) would stop hopping from means to ends to Core Values like it's nothing and also blithely assuming their preferences are best for everyone
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Replying to @eigenrobot @selentelechia
4. "I am Independent" sure sounds like cope a lot of the time https://youtu.be/WXV_QjenbDw
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Replying to @eigenrobot @selentelechia
5. There are definitely cases where dependence bleeds into codependence to the point where it harms people. I don't mean to downplay those cases (having been on the receiving end) but you are nowhere near that and the fact that you even think to worry about it should reassure you
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6. I wonder how much this is estrogen/testosterone mediated, would be grateful for any pre/post transition anecdotes?
I feel this symmetrically but I think maybe it's relatively muted in my case (or I'm just not anxious about it
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Replying to @eigenrobot @selentelechia
7. Re: the last point, how much do you think is object-level dependence vs how much is a metaemotion, specifically anxiety about the possibility that you might have some kind of Incorrect Emotion wrt attachment?
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Replying to @eigenrobot @selentelechia
8. If I had to guess I would say insufficient attachment is net a much greater problem than excessive attachment in modern life and perhaps the cause of much bedevilment in Our Times
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