more on this: I don't think I've fully accepted that I need this I can make jokes about it and claim it as a trait, but only at arm's length really *needing* something from somebody else feels like an exposed, vulnerable statehttps://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1206475204517478400 …
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which doesn't make much sense humans are deeply social creatures regardless, I have this idea that anything less than total self-sufficiency is weak/vulnerable/risky or maybe a character flaw
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on some level, needing something from a *romantic partner* feels especially intrusive, imposing, likely to foster resentment and suffocation there is something in the cultural water supply about codependency Thou Shalt Not Be Codependent
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other implicit commands along these lines Thou Shalt Take Isolation In Stride Thou Shalt Be Exactly The Right Amount of Needy
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I think this is one reason I have trouble integrating all that stuff from Courage to be Disliked the author talks about having enough distance from loved ones to transfer that feeling of community to the whole of humanity
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which appeals to the part of me that finds it so necessary to be Independent but another part is going c'mon man have you met the whole of humanity??? people aren't fungible!
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I don't just need people and I don't just need connection I need specific people and specific ways of connecting and anything less is like cutting off my right arm
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and I can weather losing Specific People and I will be hurt and grieve for them if I lose them but I can weather it best by grieving in unison with other Specific People
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Replying to @selentelechia
I have some thoughts on this Theyre thread salient and maybe resolve some bits but also sound in my mind like relationship denegotiation (ie "stop trying to offer me space to negotiate about this your needs are Fine and Good as is nerd!!!") Poast or talk offline?
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ok in no particular order: 1. I think this is a perfectly normal and healthy need. In the same way that (ime) much of a person's life--even the important bits--is bound up in their quotidian habits and environment, one's constant low-level operation may bind to everyday people
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Replying to @eigenrobot @selentelechia
2. It's probably best to view the value of Independence as a means rather than an end. Related: there are cases where cultivating (if this is even possible) a greater ability to stand alone is helpful, but this is rarely costless. What is the trade-off?
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Replying to @eigenrobot @selentelechia
3. Also related Jesus I wish Culture Writers (and also everyone but especially them) would stop hopping from means to ends to Core Values like it's nothing and also blithely assuming their preferences are best for everyone
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