one of the sweetest and also most heartbreaking things anyone's ever said to me, after we had cuddled for a bit: "i've never met anyone who's both so good at touching and so starved for touch"
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looking back, i sexualized my own desire for touch, and worried that other people would too, when what i was actually looking for was reparenting; i wanted the touch my parents hadn't given me (something something harlow monkey study if you care about that)
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i've basically never met an asian-american who wasn't moderately to extremely traumatized and i think being starved for touch has a lot to do with it (also emotional neglect and abuse of course), esp. asian-american boys / men
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being starved for touch makes you feel viscerally unsafe, which also means you feel less safe being touched; this is one of the most important things i learned from working with a sex coach
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in one of our last sessions she touched me on the thigh in a way i was successfully able to notice felt bad, and i asked her to slow way down; she touched me there again later and it felt so much better i almost cried again
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i had *no idea* it was possible for touch to feel as physically good as it felt in that moment, because until that moment i had *never* felt fully safe being touched, and that includes with 4 previous partners
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i realized that being starved for touch meant i had no reference point for touch that felt good vs. bad; mostly i had been so deprived that any touch at all felt like water in the desert, on an emotional level
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but actually some of my previous partners had touched me in ways that felt bad, because i hadn't felt fully safe, and i hadn't had either the bodily awareness or the capacity to state boundaries to do anything about this
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since then my body's gotten more relaxed and correspondingly touch has gotten more pleasurable, at least with the right person. i can even be turned on by touch now, which used to be impossible (huge warning sign in retrospect but honestly i thought this was a chick thing)
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anyway it's incredibly fucked up how long i went without knowing any of these extremely basic and important things about being a human being and having a body and everything, let's not starve kids of touch k
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