gah trying to extricate myself from an obligation and it'll take some time it's been a source of anxiety and distress for so long and now that I've started taking steps to get out of it I'm totally mentally checked out
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and in the meantime I still have to fulfill my existing obligations which don't do anything towards getting me out of it I haven't been able to do anything related to this without using anti-anxiety medication for the past three years.
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I haven't had a long conversation with anyone involved without drinking, getting high, or using phenibut right beforehand for the last three years
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and I can barely interact with anything related to the obligation without wanting to vomit and now that I've started the process of getting out of it...I barely care how the fuck do I get through this without digging a deeper hole for myself
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why haven't I just said "have fun guys, I'm out as of Friday?" lots of reasons but mostly not wanting to be an asshole I'd be leaving a mess and a lot of the mess is my own lots of should'ves here should've never gotten involved (fomo/peer pressure)
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should've [REDACTED] should've quit 1, 2, 3, years ago
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I have so much to do and I simultaneously dgaf AND start feeling panic creep in whenever I try to do anything this is like the last major knot in my psyche, the last tangle to deal with left over from the last several years' mistakes the finish line is RIGHT THERE
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and I just want to duck out to the side and say "see ya" wtf
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I get it sounds like PhD school
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