I want to preface this with the statement that he hasn't done anything to me. I'm not suffering abuse and I never have at his hands. This is about me and my happiness and my mental and emotional health. Things I have neglected for entirely too long, but that cannot continue.
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I suffered a traumatic childhood. A statement which for years I dismissed as dramatic. As a result I never dealt with it. And I made a lot of choices in reaction to, rather than in spite of it. My marriage was one of those choices.
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I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough. That I didn't deserve the things I wanted out of life. And through that I settled for good enough. Because meeting people, for me, is hard. Meeting a nice person who doesn't hurt me is harder. But I hurt myself.
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Through the years things started to build. I wasn't getting what I needed, only I didn't realize it. Y'all have seen me in my troughs. The were getting deeper and longer. I wasn't able to climb out like I used to be able to. Something was wrong and it wasn't getting better.
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Then a couple of months ago, something changed. I made a friend who opened me up for the first time in my life. I started to speak to the Lord. I started to realize that I do feel, and that those feelings are valid. And that they deserve acknowledgement and pursuit.
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I began to realize that I couldn't stay in this stuck place anymore. I was suffocating. And if something didn't change I would die there. So I sat down and had the hardest, most honest conversation I've ever had in my life with the person I've lived with for almost a decade.
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It was excruciating. I don't ever relish hurting a person. But what had been put on my heart was that I matter, too. And I can't continue to stay in a place where I'm being gutted day in and day out. I had to look out for me, for once. Do what was right for me.
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So I left. And I'm so incredibly lucky in that I have the two most supportive, amazing people in my grandparents. They are the light of my life. And I'm seeing a therapist and I'm working on Becky. For the first time in 29 years, she's coming first.
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And I don't know exactly what happens next. But for the moment I am present-focused. I am going to make things right for me right now and all that other shit is going to have to come second.
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But I do want everyone to know that I'm ok. I did leave like half my wardrobe behind, and that's been hard. I also left my dog, and that's been harder. But I'm ok. I'm going to be great.
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Best wishes, friend. I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much. And um #itgetsbetter
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