1. Going to get all of my college stories out now so there are no surprises when I am nominated for high office
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3. I joined the Century Club after my OChem final summer after. 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes. A nice girl helped me throw up into a Hefty bag and promised that she wouldn't let me die. (vomitting) "You won't even sleep with me. How can I trust you to not let me die"
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4. An ex and her roommate drank most of a bottle of 100 Blackberries and called me and a friend over for sex. He wasn't down so I went over for a threesome Roommate barely got her top off when they both got explosively sick and I just spent the night making them drink water
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5. At one point two women made out in my bathroom for some reason, one of them was into it My roommate and I taped it in portrait I decided it needed a soundtrack so I whistled a very good rendition of Frog's Theme from Chrono Trigger
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6. A lady got bored with me and dropped me so I texted her best friend and asked if she wanted to hang out and drink whiskey and have a book club about _Lost Girls_ . . . this actually worked for some reason
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7. A scene girl seduced me to snort Adderall from a toilet tank at You Otter Stop In before taking me home drunk and strung out A farce followed wherein I buzzed in police at 2am; then the DV suspect they were after; I chased that guy out while frothing, in a bathrobe
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8. Once violated the fire code and a line item in my lease by buying a broken motorcycle in Iowa and trying to repair it in my 4th story apartment Didn't think to drain the fuel tank and the unit smelled like alkanes for months Roommate has not yet forgiven me
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9. This is possibly the most accurately-characteristic story about my college life however Thank you and please don't vote for anyone this November God Bless Americahttps://twitter.com/eigenrobot/status/1009842647039541248 …
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