Evan Urquhart

I blamed trans people for that pain. I viscerally wanted them to stop hurting me by being the object of ridicule.

In addition to angry, I also felt intensely jealous. "Why do trans people get to transition when I secretly want to transition but can't?"

I held all that inside because I was embarrassed, and I didn't want to be laughed at, and I was ashamed.

The most freeing moment of my life was when I finally had the thought that no one was stopping me from transitioning but me.

I literally stopped dead on the street with the thought "I could just say I was trans and transition. No one could stop me or say I wasn't."

It was many months after that that I decided to go forward, but giving myself permission to just be trans if I was trans was a breakthrough.

I think it's one that some people don't or can't have. For me, I'm immensely glad my fear of being laughed at wasn't so strong, in the end.

Perhaps it's implied, but the greatest fear was of being an imperfect or unconvincing man. An effeminate man, a very short man.