Evan Urquhart

Something I’ve always found very difficult is accepting that I’m feminine. There’s a power to masculinity that I’ve always found intoxicating. Not abusive masculinity, but more this sense of power and restraint with a tinge of awakening towards recklessness. It’s so damn hot

All my life I’ve tried to model that, and failed miserably. Whatever that spark is, whatever that feeling is that arises in people and creates that state of being is something I’ve almost never been able to locate in myself. When I have, I can’t sustain it.

And on some level I seem to have this belief that having that power is a prerequisite for success, especially in the art world. You have to compete to reach the top. I don’t want to compete. I want to co-operate. I want to bind together: to heal, not fracture.

But it hasn’t stopped me from spending years trying to be something I’m not. At first, accepting the choice to transition felt like total failure. It seemed like giving up on this epic dream of myself in favor of someone I didn’t know.

But as time has gone on and i’ve begun to accept what I *have* instead of pining after traits that I wasn’t designed for, my own power grows. It’s the mirror image of what I find so ravishingly sexy. And it’s no weaker for it’s softness.