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I changed my name, pronouns, body, internal chemical balance, how I was perceived by strangers, and the relationship to everyone in my life... and the feel of having a continuous self throughout wasn't quite able hold.
Memories of pre-transition life, like my memories of childhood, lack a dimension of being able to feel as I felt. I see the pictures in my mind, even remember abstractly what sort of things I felt or thought, but I can't feel I am there, in the scene, as my... er...self.
This isn't what I expected transition to be, for what it's worth.And I'm sure it's not like this for everyone- a lot of trans people describe things in dualist terms and I can only assume that's bc they perceive them that way.
But, as someone who was already somewhat skeptical of ideas about dualism and the unchanging self, I'm fascinated by the disorientation of this. By feeling like too much has changed too quickly for the self-fiction to adapt.
If you change every plank of the ship, people may think of it as the same ship, but that's just a social illusion. If the team changes names and moves away and has no athletes or staff in common with the earlier team, it's not the same team.
Likewise, Evan Urquhart isn't Vanessa Vitiello. They share some molecules, some memories, some legal and social markers of continuity- but too much changed too quickly for the fiction that it's the same person to hold.
this is so, so interesting.
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