Transition was described thus: I'd always been a man and my appearance would change but "I" wouldn't. The reality... is a lot more complicated.
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I don't know exactly how to talk about it, but I feel like I wasn't prepared for how much transition would change my personality and my relationships.
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One competing description of transition is that it's like a second puberty. That comparison has been a lot more resonant. The adult me was radically different than myself as a child. This is also true of me pre and post transition.
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Of course, I wasn't a child pre-transition- I was definitely an adult. So it's not a perfect metaphor. But, while I can remember things about childhood, I can't fully put myself back in the mind of a child, and my memories of myself pre-transition have a similar character.
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I can remember how things were, what happened, even to a certain extent how I felt about them, but it's gradually gotten harder to put myself back in the moment, to feel again as I once felt. Me-then isn't me-now.
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This isn't bad. Honestly, it's very much what me-then wanted. But, it's also hard on my relationships, and it's hardest on the relationships with people who were closest to me-then.
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