dylan morrison

to give you an idea of scale: the first year i was involved, we ran 800+ thanksgiving orders and 400+ at christmas; when i was in charge it was 1,000+ thanksgiving orders and 500+ christmas. (ps i will NEVER forgive this company for denying me unemployment after all this lmao)

some of these orders were for raw meats — turkeys, rib roasts, etc — but most of them were for prepared meals, or raw meat and prepared sides, to save people from having to cook for themselves. (you can probably guess the grocery store, i’m only not naming it bc i fear them )

my favorite story is this one: a lady called and SCREAMED at me on thanksgiving day bc her food wasn’t hot. the food she had picked up two days prior. she was angry... the food didn’t come out of her refrigerator... hot. she was angry the food didn’t come out her FRIDGE!! HOT!!

one guy was like “i would like to order this $120 precooked prime rib roast. how long do i microwave it for medium rare?” and when i was like “sir... oh no... that’s not... that won’t work,” he, enraged, yelled “oh, so what am i supposed to do, turn on my OVEN??”

a customer called me every single day for a month to confirm that the caesar salad she ordered would be specially made with kale, not romaine. i reassured her 30 times that we’d make it with kale. and then she DIDN’T COME GET IT!! just abandoned it, paid, full of kale

speaking of things people paid for and didn’t come get: an order of four sushi trays (~$250); a cool $500 worth of shrimp; a full dinner for 12; 3 fully cooked turkeys; an order of 10 vegan meals and, inexplicably, one rib roast. are all these people okay?? i just wanna talk

a guy bought a fully prepped raw turkey — seasoned, on a bed of mire poix (carrot/onion/celery), in a pan — and then called me up, furious, because it was disgusting!! and it turned out he’d put it in his oven STILL INSIDE THE PLASTIC BAG IT WAS PACKAGED IN

someone else bought that same prepped turkey, then called & screamed for 10 minutes bc we “forgot the vegetables” and “i’m on an island” and “my thanksgiving is ruined!” and i said “ma’am did you look under the turkey?” and there was a pause. then she said “...oh” & hung up on me

there was this one lady who said she was allergic to flavorings (all of them??) and called me every day for a week and made me read her all the ingredients in every item we sold each time. took about 45 minutes, EACH TIME. would not accept an emailed list. did not order anything

god, the poor guy who came in on thanksgiving like “my wife had a baby last week; today she & her sister had a fight that’s been brewing for 10 years; we’re uninvited from dinner; she’s crying. a lot. please... i need a turkey.” (i found him one lol. hope they’re all doing good.)

my booth was set up where we usually kept the cheapest wine we sold and no less than five people came looking for said cheap wine and burst into tears when i was there instead. which: relatable, same, who among us, but it was only a few feet to the left, and, also, jesus christ

i couldn’t possible detail every incident that involved a grown adult human full on weeping (sobbing! at the grocery store), and i wouldn’t want to, but it was easily — EASILY — 20+ people. the littlest things would happen and customers would MELT DOWN

a particular blotch of rage still exists in my heart for the woman who harangued me to find her the perfect $4 christmas tree (read: a branch of pine in a pot) and then said some of the most anti-semitic shit i’ve ever heard to my jewish ass when she came to pick it up

i could literally go on for hours lmao. and i want to be clear that i had some great customers too! “please i need turkey” guy was valid; one regular slipped me a $25 gift card and i will remember her name and her kindness until i die. it wasn’t all grim.

but like. listen. take it from me. the holidays.... they bring out some wild shit in people. the stress and the family drama and the pressure to have the ~perfect day~ or whatever? it really unlocks some ugliness in folks.

i know it sucks to have to cancel your holiday plans, especially after this enormous stinking turd of a year. i know that for lots of people the holidays are a really important and cherished time! i know, and it’s awful, and i’m sorry.

but you’ve gotta cancel those holiday plans anyway. you’re not only risking your life, your family’s lives; you’re also risking the lives of service workers, all of whom, i promise you, have seen the worst of humankind every holiday season and kept helping you anyway.

service workers (who largely can’t afford to stay home from work, who largely have crappy health insurance or none at all) already put up with so much shit every year. every single one. they don’t deserve to die for your holidays. nobody does.

stay home. make yourself something delicious and stay home. have a glass of wine, or warm cider, or hot chocolate, and stay home. enjoy one single holiday season with no pressure and no expectations and JUST STAY AT HOME.

there will be another holiday season. there is — and again, you can take this from me, a person who worked ten years of retail before this grocery job — there is ALWAYS another holiday season. the holidays, as all service workers know, are inescapable like the tides.

and if it will make you feel better, go ahead and drive to your nearest grocery store, park outside, and weep or scream in the safety of your car. the service workers inside have all probably cried or yelled or both in that parking lot; you won’t be alone.

i hope we all make it to 2021 happy and healthy and safe. this year we can give others the greatest holiday gift of all — the gift of giving a shit whether they live or die. the gift of protecting them by canceling our plans and staying in our own goddamn homes.