This morning I had to write a letter to the judge who will be sentencing my parents' attacker in a couple hours. I'm not entirely sure if this will be read to Irvin but if it is, it'll be the first and last communication I'll probably have with him. The thought is chilling.
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I put off writing that letter for such a long time. I wasn't sure how to convey myself in a way that not only accurately represents the pain and frustration of the last two years, but also meeting what's acceptable for a judge and courtroom to hear if read out loud.
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I'd like to say I found a good balance between "here's how it's affected me" and "fuck that guy for all he's done," but I'm still not sure if I spoke enough about any of those things for my own satisfaction or if it represents to the court the pain my family and I have endured.
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However, I know Irvin. I've known him all my life, so I know what feeds his ego. Adding that into the equation, I needed to write something that also shows we're not defeated -- that I'm not defeated. And in writing that portion of my letter, I felt something entirely different:
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Optimistic. Might sound corny and generic, but you have to understand how the last five years, especially these past two, have depreciated my family's view on things. We've been on a downward spiral: between losing our home, that night, and everything in between, it's been rough.
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I feel optimistic because we've made it through a ton and we've not allowed it to break us and because I never allowed myself to lose to the wilder thoughts in my mind. This still, clearly, affects me and it will continue to do so, but immensely less with time.
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Thinking of you. May you have justice and peace.
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