I wonder often about that year we didn’t speak. I wonder if the yearlong rift in our friendship was the final nail for him. I know it hurt me. I cannot imagine how he felt. I know he was alone.
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I often think about his final words to me “Thanks for everything you’ve done”. Almost as if he'd made his choice, and wanted to let me know he thought I'd done everything I could. I dunno if that's the case, but sometimes it feels like it.
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I could have been there for him more. I could have reached out so much sooner. Instead I stewed in my own pride and bullshit anger for a year. Maybe I could have saved my best friend. Maybe I wouldn’t be having to type this while choking up.
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But, I didn’t. I will carry that pain with me the rest of my life. Even if there’s nothing I could have done, good luck trying to tell me that. I won’t listen to you.
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There’s a lake in my mom’s neighborhood we used to go all the time as kids to smoke, drink, talk about girls, life, the future, etc. “Dude I’m all fucked up because of *insert teenage life problem*” “Let’s go the lake and deal with it bro”
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I still visit that place every time I go home. Every time. I walk down to the lake, I bring Joel (and myself) a drink and tell him about the latest MCU news. I tell him I’m sorry I didn’t try harder. That I’m sorry I couldn’t save him. I leave him a comic book every time.
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Next time I go I’ll tell him about the return of Timesplitters, one of his absolute favorite franchises ever.
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I'm telling you all this for a reason. I’m pleading with you all twofold: one, if you know someone who needs help, please try with all urgency to get them that help. People suffering from suicidal thoughts feel alone. Try and remind them they aren't. Ever.
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Two: if you’re having suicidal thoughts, please talk to a licensed health clinician. Get therapy. Try CBT. Try medication. Do whatever you must to keep yourself here. There’s always someone who needs you. Always. No more Joels.
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This was exhausting. Gonna step away for awhile. Thanks for listening.
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Thank you for sharing all that. This goofball and I will be thinking nice thoughts at you.pic.twitter.com/l7EuOMHygo
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