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  1. Prikvačeni tweet

    Him: Hahaha what an idiot! You brought a banana to a knife fight. What do you think you're going to do with that? Me:

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    1. velj

    Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t bother me Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

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    A subtle way of saying I love you, you piece of shit...

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    Him: Hahaha what an idiot! You brought a banana to a knife fight. What do you think you're going to do with that? Me:

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  5. Do you remember that doll you lost in the woods when you were a kid? Because she remembers you.

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    I decided to change my name to g-spot so my ex-boyfriend couldn't find me

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    Weird how my boss asks if I'm busy when I'm clearly carving a ham.

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    Being stared at by men in public is fun because I can't tell if they think I'm cute, or if they recognise me from my ad, or if I have spaghetti sauce on my forehead again.

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    I only visit Pornhub for the articles.

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  10. Me, 5 minutes after mistakenly opening up to another human being

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    What if butts were split horizontally? Imagine running upstairs.

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  12. I'm just looking for a Fatal Attraction level of devotion.

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 13 sati

    Fucking foreign viruses are taking jobs away from hard working AMERICAN viruses.

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    David Attenborough: ...And with that, the cassotrusting died out paving the way for the rise of the cassowary.

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 14 sati

    [summoning a ghost] Grandma: hi honey Me: uhm this is awkward. I meant to summon my other grandma, you know, the one with the Werther‘s Grandma: Me: could you...? *discreetly pointing at door*

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    Even by prison standards, I would make everyone uncomfortable by how loud and frequent I masturbate.

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    9. tra 2019.

    I googled my symptoms and I died 3 years ago.

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  18. The stages of oral sex: 1. Blow Internship 2. Blow Job 3. Blow Career 4. Blow Retirement

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. velj

    Her: Something on your mind? Me (who constantly reminisces about my time aboard a schooner): I think knot.

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  20. I have a rare condition where I can't maintain an erection without the Space Jam soundtrack playing in the background

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 15 sati

    “Hey Amy! How do you turn the damn filter off again? I’m still getting those ridiculous ears and whiskers."

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