So story time. I get a lot of questions in regards to me being ace. "Have you had sex? How do you know?" Well let me tell you how I know. Here's a thread. Tw: manipulation, abuse, assault.
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I never wanted to date again after that because I could not deal with the heartbreak and rejection. So let's skip to fall of 2009, a few months after the funeral. I had to do an acting thing for kids for Halloween hay rides.
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He proceeded to violate me with his fingers and tried to actually penetrate me. It didn't fit and he gave up and went back to his room. The next day we did a photo shoot on the beach and there's pictures on my old laptop of me in a bikini with him holding me from behind.
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He didn't bother to use a condom. It took him five minutes to finish. He escorted me to the bathroom and I cried as I cleaned myself out. He calmly walked me back to my friends who had been looking for me. I had apparently been missing for over an hour.
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He told them we got caught up talking about some anime. He gave me a little side hug, said thank you for a good time, and walked off. I waited until he was completely gone to disclose to my friends what had just taken place. I had to take a pregnancy test that week.
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Let's skip to my ex now. Our first date, he stuck his hand in my shirt as we were driving. We went to a con together and he coerced me into having sex. Again, he had me convinced he would leave me if I didn't. The condom broke. Another pregnancy test.
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We went to a new years eve party at a friend's house. I was blackout drunk. I don't remember most of the night. I remember it took him and another friend to help me to the guest room to go to sleep. I woke up naked and saw a condom wrapper on the floor.
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Let's skip to the guy I dated after him. He initially said he didn't want a relationship but he did like me. He got drunk one night and asked me out. We dated for about 3 months. I was in love with him. I felt comfortable having sex with him.
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He didn't give me the vibe he would leave if I didn't have sex with him. But I did anyway because I really liked him and I had been conditioned that having sex was the only way to keep my partner. He dumped me after not speaking to me for over a week.
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He dumped me the same week my dad left, my close friend was diagnosed with HIV, and I failed a very important final exam in college that would determine if I could continue in the pre-med program. Cue s*icide attempt number 3.
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I have been m*lested. I have been r*ped 3 times. I've been manipulated into having sex more times than I can count.
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Now why does all this matter? It matters because these are things that have drastically effected my stance on sex. I have PTSD from it. I have anxiety about it. I confessed to someone I liked them and they wouldn't date me because I'm asexual.
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I wasn't able to explain that if I'm comfortable with the person and I'm sure they won't just leave after getting some a few times, im open to having sex. Do I seek sex out? No. Do I want it? Not really. Do I enjoy it? Not really.
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I'm relieved that I'm now with someone who is accepting of the fact that I'm asexual and not always comfortable with sex or any sort of sexual contact aside from kissing. We have open discussions on what I'm comfortable with and not comfortable with.
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Tldr: I'm asexual because of abuse and manipulation. My biggest fear is having sex with someone and then they just leave.
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