And so all of this is also my husband’s work (and increasingly my daughter’s). That means I need them to understand the shape of the work and to have some amount of control over when and how the work takes over my (our) life.
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Right now, I am not as capable of personal/professional boundaries. It means parts of me are being shared here that I might not otherwise share (like this thread). It means new and different parts of my work are coming into our home.
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I am still finding my way through all of this, teaching myself new strategies, continuing to care for others, continuing to fight when it’s necessary, but also trying to ask for care when I need it.
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My mom had a brain hemorrhage, pulmonary embolism, and pneumonia over Thanksgiving break last year. I haven’t talked about it publicly, but it has given the last several months a very specific character for me.
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I haven’t talked about it, because I have a hard time receiving sympathy. And I have an especially hard time receiving sympathy at scale. An outpouring of support on Twitter can be lovely, but even support at scale can feel overwhelming. So I have waited to talk about this.
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My mom is recovering slowly, slower than I hoped, but she is at very high risk for Covid-19.
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Getting sick scares me. It scares me even more that my mom will get sick. And sometimes it feels inevitable that she will—that at some point over the next 18 months, we will have to “play the odds” together.
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I’m angry at the calls for restarting the country, because “restarting” might look like my mom being dead.
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I’m exhausted. So many of us are. But that’s not why I will need to take more breaks from work over the next several months. Right now, caring for my family, especially my mom, my husband, and my daughter, has to be my priority.
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Today, I am glad to be back. I’ve missed you all over the last six days.
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