Gather round, Gentle Readers. It is time I tell the story of the worst decision I ever made in an office. Some of you have heard this. Some have not. Whatever you do in your office today, this week, the rest of this year, you can console yourself by recalling this tale.
Hi, Ms. Cummings, I forget whether we met back in the day. At the time, I had the 2nd longest tenure as one of her assistants, at 9 months. If we're sharing stories around the campfire, I have a few, if you'll indulge a (THREAD)
-
-
1/ Story #1 I booked David Ogden Stiers for some Disney celebration in Florida. He lived in Oregon. He had an audition in L.A. right after. Disney offered travel both ways, but I needed them to okay a) OR to FL b) FL to L.A. 3) back to OR. So I asked the Disney guy --
-
2/ David's done three movies with you: B&B, Pocahontas, and Hunchback. So (like the other actors) he's entitled to a round trip for each, or six legs, with you. All I want is the three legs. He wants to do your thing, but he's got to be back in L.A. Guy says yes.
-
3/ It helps to know, readers, that contracts can take a long time, but when time is tight, you have to rely on people's word. (pause for laughter) David does it, gets to L.A., goes back to OR, and everything's roses. Then I get an invoice for the plane tickets.
-
4) Disney guy doesn't want to pay the difference on a three-leg trip. For me, at the time, the cost was astronomical, several hundred bucks. Dude, I say, we agreed on this. Guy tells me some sad story about the richest corporation on Earth and it's out of his hands.
-
5) Guy, you're screwing me. Let's say -- for the sake of argument -- I can scrape the money together. Now there's a paper trail. I have no way to keep this from Susan. And I'm going to get fired. Over a few hundred bucks. That you can afford but I can't. So --
-
6) Before I get fired, I'm writing all this up. I'm faxing it to every office in that building in FL. Disney does not like *any* controversy. Not only will you get fired, it's so embarrassing you may never work for a public company again. ... He ponied up the dough. /end1
-
7) Story #2 Oh, Barnaby -- I knew that dog well. He had a terrible skin condition. Twice a week, I had to take him to the vet. Across town in SM. Which backed up my desk job like crazy. Barnaby gets injections, just under the skin. Doctor, I say --
-
8) Giving Barnaby a shot looks like something I can do. Can I pick up his meds on Mondays and do this myself? It's not a controlled substance, so he says yes. Early *early* the next Monday morning, I have to give Barnaby his shot. It's dark in the rest of the office.
-
9) I'm unclear how Barnaby's going to take me sticking a needle in him. I box him on the floor between a couch and a table. Prep a syringe. Flick it with one finger, so there's no air inside. (Subcutaneous doesn't run that risk. I'm doing what I've seen in the movies.)
-
10) (I forgot to mention -- Trainspotting is a big hit at the time.) I'm in the dark, flicking a syringe, when another asst passes & sees me. ANDY! NO! DON'T DO IT! He leaps toward me. IT'S NOT THAT BAD HERE! NOTHING'S THAT BAD! JUST QUIT, MAN! DON'T TURN TO HEROIN! end2/
-
11) Story #3 After I did leave, eventually, my former #2 calls me. The new guy isn't working out. (Susan *hated* the hiring process. (She'd do *anything* to get it over with. (So she'd hire the first person who walked through the door.)
-
12) Guy was in Literary and he wanted to be in Talent. (Writers are not Talent, ladies and germs.) He lobbied hard for the gig. But he was slow -- and slow to learn -- and Talent ain't Lit. "He's killing me. What should I do?" I think for two seconds. "Feed him to Susan."
-
13) "What?" she says. "Feed him to Susan. "Let him screw up. Big. "'Cuz he will. "And we'll see whether he's cut out to be an assistant to Susan." ... ... Guy quit the whole agency the *next day* before *noon*. /end3
-
14) CODA I lasted so long, I think, for one reason. I'd seen Susan reduce *everyone* in the office to tears. Assistants, agents -- everyone. I wouldn't cry. I knew that's what she wanted. Cry and die, I used to say. Cry and she'll never look at you the same way again.
-
15) In the end -- like
@StephenKing's The Stand -- I did *mind* the yelling, but I didn't *object*. That's the way it is sometimes. But she kept us in the office till midnight most nights. We couldn't meet with assistants at other agencies. And steal their clients. ;-) fin/
End of conversation
New conversation -
Loading seems to be taking a while.
Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.