Big caveat that mainstream parenting isn’t a single thing, and my perception of it is presumably all kinds of flawed. I do not have much depth of knowledge about mainstream parenting.
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1. There is a big fault line I see about parenting. On one side, parents think their children should obey them. On the other side, no one can stomach the word “obey”, but parents still want kids to do what the parents, er, “request” or them.
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2. In almost all cases, parent rules about trying to get kids to eat healthy food is better understood as them trying to get the kids to eat in socially normal ways.
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3. The mainstream parenting narrative references both game theory and behaviorism, but mostly in ways that don’t really hold up to scrutiny, IMO.
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4. I think there’s this incredibly sad situation that isn’t just about parenting but affects it where we as a culture can’t handle closeness well. People feel emotionally safe enough for conflict, but then we aren’t good at conflict. People decide to spend more time apart.
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5. I think everyone forgets how much work babies and toddlers are. Even people who currently have them! So many parents talk about how the baby is easy compared to the older kid, but I’m skeptical. Wouldn’t the older kid be 100x easier if you weren’t busy with the baby??
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6. I believe all modern American parents should request contemplate how amazingly good it is that we don’t have to wash clothes by hand. And that we can buy comvenience foods.
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7. I think on a cultural level there is massive underinvestment in parenting skill. People used to learn skills by helping as kids, and those skills applied more bc the world wasn’t changing as fast. Parenting books barely if at all transmit useful skills.
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8. I think most of the justifications parents give for controlling their kids in ways that it would obviously be counterproductive to try to control their friends are quite flimsy.
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9. The whole idea that kids play more and better with fewer carefully chosen toys than with a big jumble of TONS of toys? Yeah, some kids and some ages, but I think a lot of it is that parents don’t want to admit that they and their kids are not aligned on this point.
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10. The sorts of interesting questions one might want answers to ire: parenting, outside of a few very narrow areas, will probably never be answerable by studies. Many current “studies” are even worse than that. Misreported correlational BS that doesn’t account for genetics.
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11. Those surveys where people say housework is more enjoyable than childcare? Well of course! *on the margin* Because everyone knows childcare is more important, so we skip housework when we really don’t want to do it and we don’t skip childcare.
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12. One problem with pop parenting anthropology about how Inuit kids don’t get angry and Mexican kids do chores etc. is that you clearly can’t copy the thing on an individual level. And. I think kids today look around and realize they need a different ego structure to operate.
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13. Related to 12—afaict current day standard American parenting, for all its flaws, is better aligned with my values than parenting from almost all other times and places. Which is probably what I should expect.
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14. The idea that “boundaries help kids feel safe” is absurd on its face. Sometimes boundaries create real safety, kids perceive it, and they feel safe. But, unsurprisingly, kids mostly get mad or sad or resigned when you restrict their behavior.
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15. Pediatricians give parenting advice about non-medical things all the time, and the right response is almost always to smile and nod.
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16. Insulting people and belittling their interests is bad for relationships. Kids are not a magical exception.
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17. Sharing, as a concept, should be reserved for dividing things up and permanently giving them to people. Food is a central example of shareable. You can take turns with toys, or let other kids use your toys, or even loan them out. And sharing is the wrong word for it.
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18. The thing parents usually want is for little kids to be generous with their own toys AND not to demand that other kids be generous with their toys. Bc that’s convenient. Good luck! I think below a certain age you have to choose on or the other.
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19. If I could single-handedly delete the word “tantrum” from the English language, I would.
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20. Saying “good job” isn’t bad because of some nonsense that doesn’t reproduce about growth mindset. It’s bad because it’a patronizing and inauthentic. When would you say it to an adult? Mostly you wouldn’t. And you’d use a different inflection. A better one!
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21. The word “teach” implies a certain degree of confidence about what a kid is likely to learn from a situation that is very rarely justified. Our culture has way too little epistemic humility about what kids are learning when and why.
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22. There are maybe 3 intellectually honest parenting books.
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23. I count Selfish reasons to have more kids as one of them, though I think Bryan Caplan overstates the “parenting doesn’t matter” case. He’s very right that genetics matters though, and I find it kinda shocking how many people deny or don’t know this.
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24. A lot of the challenge of parenting is figuring out which essential (not food) nutrients you were automatically getting and therefore not even tracking in your non-kid life and how to bake them into life with kids. As kids age, it’s a moving target.
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25. Analyzing parenting style using the axes of warmth/nurture and structure has its uses, I’m sure, but it reads to me like a scam. Because it leaves out the “treat kid like a person” component, and you can’t leave that out!
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26. Afaict the same parents who unproductively blame their kids for things all the time usually feel a ton of guilt as well, and they do question themselves. But they don’t show it much bc it’s too vulnerable to. They are bankrupt wrt to their guilt :-(.
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27. Some kids are happy to play with other kids just because they are the same age. Lots aren’t, and this is normal. Hot take: it’s much easier to make friends as an adult than as a kid, especially if you have the internet.
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28. Mainstream parenting is a sad situation. It’s beautiful too, because everything real is beautiful. But if you look at it and don’t see how sad it is I’m not convinced you can see what’s happening.
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29. And school is at the center of the badness. Years before school are defined by school being next. Hours after school are defined by homework and studying. Summer “vacation”, too, is deeply affected.
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