Just received this rollercoaster of an email from one of my professors
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palmer ward
@decentbirthday
how about a mother effin’ beer
Los Angeles, CABorn September 6Joined November 2015
palmer ward’s Tweets
What a fucking guy. He needn’t stress about a job or social media presence. Doesn’t have to file taxes. Just galloping through the water in the middle of the day cause That’s The Shit He’s Supposed To Do.
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With the boys: Fuck yes! Don Draper such a beast for cheating on his wife! 🙌 🐐
With GF: I hope that young man learns a thing or two on how to treat a lady
With my Karate instructor Dave: Sensei … he is acting dishonorable again😭
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[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds...
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
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Bobby Oppenheimer get your country ass over here my momma says you been in the city Inventing a bomb as big as a damn bus
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Nurse: he has appendicitis how would you like to proceed?
The Good Doctor: (going into his mind palace which is filled from floor to ceiling with Bioncles) the red one is named Tahu
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why were all the king’s horses trying to put humpty dumpty back together again
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Ah, nice tomb bro, very opulent. I imagine you played a pretty significant role in your society?
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Some of the most insufferable adults on the planet are in a group chat right now treating this shit like 9/11
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Moments before the whole dragon caught on fire 
#DisneyOnFire #disneyland #Fantasmic
#DisneyOnFire #disneyland #Fantasmic
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"Everything's fine," the babysitter said into the phone. "But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?"
"Get out of the house, I'm calling the police," the father urgently replied. "You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you."
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(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it's popping at the farg tonight!
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38 y/o gf who still says “sweet summer child”: they’re debating whether PAWG is a slur and i just can’t with the hellsite today.
Me [heard “PAWG” and got so hard i got nauseous]: i think i hauve Covid
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People on Twitter: Having decorative pillows makes you part of the borgeouisie (?)
People in real life: Hey man how's it going
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damn no tame impala
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I’ve said it for a long time – if we invest in America, we can change this country’s future.
See you on the road.
read image description
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oh you like this band? you’ve seen them live a few times? that’s cool. what fifa game did you discover them from
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japanese immigrants hit a home run with hibachi restaurants. white people love guessing where the chef is from and constantly asking for “boom boom sauce”. all time move
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finally my car will be safe when two cartoon characters are having a fight offscreen
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having sex on the earthquake bed and accidentally amputating a foot
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happy finally figuring out if that couple broke up or not day to those who celebrate
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LeBron unwrapping a Christmas present from his aunt. He sighs when he sees it's another basketball. "I know you love those," she smiles.
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white people love to throw a baseball real fast and say some shit like “bet you weren’t expecting that humdinger”
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you’re getting cooked in the QTs. i’m getting cooked in a witch’s stew because i failed to answer her riddles thrice. we are not the same
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First day at Object Permanence School. Nice place, shame what happens when you leave
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Hey man wanna grab lunch. We’re going to this taco place called Floofys. All the tacos are like $9 and they suck dick. Theres a bunch of neon signs everywhere that say Be A Messy Bitch and Me Gusta Tequila. a racist gay couple from Vermont owns it. It used to be a womens shelter
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pizza is like sex. the ninja turtles love having it in a sewer with each other
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you make one good tweet in 2017 and then five years later you’ll find a gimmick account posting a screenshot of your tweet in a what looks to be a paperback book
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Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider. When they graduate they’re too stupid to operate their space ships. So we got tons of women stranded on Jupiter. Disaster, right? Well guess what the boys are doing
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