Need company? Call our company.
Our company will come keep you company.
We’re the Company Company.
- my 8yo pitching
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Elon’s Musk 
@deancomedy
my tweets are proof you can isolate things and keep them from spreading
twitter.com/search?src=typ…Joined August 2015
Elon’s Musk 🇺🇦’s Tweets
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4) Don’t get mad about gas ⛽️ prices. Get raging mad and serious about insulin price gouging.
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My prayer for US political journalism: Stop trying to predict election outcomes. Stop treating polling like science. Center the voices of voters. And focus on policy proposals and policy outcomes—not the horserace. #electionday
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American politics:
a majority of Americans think govt should be run by the majority
and a minority of Americans think govt should be run by the minority
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Look, we all know how hard it is to find a place for the pail of water we all bring to the grocery store ...
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So many questions
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Anyone else find Tom Holland to be Tom Hollander than Tom Hollander?
Canadian comedy community mourns N.B. writer, performer | CBC News
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There are no car accidents, only car opportunities
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Last night the Canadian comedy family lost , a relentless writer, a consummate comedian and a fierce friend. There will never be another like him. So much "roasting" in today's comedy. Not nearly enough toasting. Tonight, Tim will be well toasted.
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The little kid from Jurassic Park turns 40 next year and that kinda makes me feel like a dinosaur
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Is it ... magic???
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Can’t call it confetti unless it comes from the Confetti region of France
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5yo me when my parents had an empty appliance box
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I’ve always used the thumbs up passive aggressively anyway so there
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Why NOBODY should be using the 'thumbs up' emoji in 2022
Full story: trib.al/byjEPbI
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Ok fire on bread good
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In six words or fewer, write a story about this photo.
#sixwordstory #WritingCommunity
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There should be a service for whenever you interview for comedy jobs that just combs through your twitter feed and deletes any time you've casually expressed abject terror without a well-balanced quip at the end.
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love this new hybrid work environment where I spend one day in the office and four more days worrying about all the things I said in the office
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Women are in great condition with their clothes in their room and they don’t think they have to be photographed or nothing but a great birthday gift for them for Christmas and Christmas gifts is great
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Misogyny check. Let your phone complete the sentence
"Women are..."
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Captain Bones is out today!
In this stand up special I am fat and psycho. Please enjoy! 🤪
Thank you to and for having me
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Me: Thanks for helping me buy a punching bag, Facebook Marketplace!
Facebook Marketplace: No problem, here are 800 more to consider.
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"'Like a Rolling Stone' is considered by many the single greatest song of all time. Joni’s biggest hit is about how she’s looked at clouds. From both sides now. Up and down. Oooh, Joni’s been on a plane!" -
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Is everyone creating enough content yet or ?
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Apples are just orchard poop fight me
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Shooting a time lapse video of me in my home office for the illusion of productivity
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The inside of a Burger King seems designed to get you outside of a Burger King
My dog could totally survive in the wild as long as her dog pack knits
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Harper Lee: This is the worst writer's block I've ever had
Mockingbird: ThIs Is THe WorSt WriTER's bLOck I'Ve EVer HAd
Harper Lee: *eyes narrowing*
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I have 4th row tickets to Friday's WWE Smackdown taping. What sign do you want to see me holding up on TV?
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I swear to God, from now until Christmas, every time one of my kids leaves an empty box in the freezer, or pantry, I'm going to take it out, wrap it, and put it under the Christmas tree with their name on it.
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Caution: Dancers may be FABULOUS!!!
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Wish I had the confidence of a bay leaf, just strolling into every recipe doing absolutely fuck all
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why is it always “attorney at law”? i want to be an attorney at other stuff. attorney at having a good time
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