Usually I have an aversion to "Men of the Cloth" but I gotta say, this one get's it. 😂😇😂
0:58
1.1M views
696
18.8K
79.3K
Show this thread
Follow
Click to Follow davidcrosss
david cross
@davidcrosss
Get tickets for the Worst Daddy in the World Tour at officialdavidcross.com/pages/appearan
#WorstDaddyInTheWorld
david cross✍’s Tweets
Here's a delightful podcast I did with two lovable scamps. Find out if I'm garbage or not. The answer may surprise you!
16
9
207
Monty Python now banned in Oklahoma
Quote Tweet
Beyond parody. A new anti-drag bill just dropped in Oklahoma.
It defines drag as "a male or female performer who adopts a flamboyant or parodic feminine persona with glamorous or exaggerated costumes and makeup."
This senator wants to outlaw flashy makeup in front of kids.
Show this thread
read image description
ALT
166
118
1,239
Oh shit, I better check this out
Quote Tweet
NYC! Join us for a night of music, comedy, personal stories, and action items supporting @NYAAF at #SayTheWord: A Night of Art and Action for Abortion.
The lineup includes @mrbobodenkirk, @aparnapkin, @davidcrosss & more.
9:30pm at @JoesPub on 2/1.
: publictheater.org/productions/jo
: publictheater.org/productions/jo
5
8
134
I am suburban mother of a 13 year old girl in a film. I get flustered when I meet another mom in the grocery store who is new to town and is okay with the behavior of her independent punk rock 13 year old who cusses and calls her mom by her name
Quote Tweet
I am a writer in a film. I am drunk. twitter.com/angie_rasmusse…
21
11
164
We've repeatedly blocked this loser from shopping on pitviper.com, but he found a way. So here we are again, giving his recent order of $634.50 to the SPLC. When you spread hate in Pit Vipers, we donate your money to a cause that works against you. #pitvipergivesafuck
920
2,168
23.2K
The chart ends at 1885 lol
361
10.1K
165.4K
Show this thread
Omg this thread is bonkers. Bonkersly tragic
Quote Tweet
Obituary for the Utah man who fatally shot his five children, mother-in-law and estranged wife: “Michael made it a point to spend quality time with each and every one of his children. Michael enjoyed making memories with the family.” mortuary.org/obituaries/mic
Show this thread
25
59
462
Just in case anyone thinks I'm joking. This is Arizona's proposed bill SB1030.
NO PERFORMANCES OF MRS. DOUBTFIRE NEAR SCHOOL PROPERTY OR BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 1AM AND 12 NOON ON SUNDAYS.
legiscan.com/AZ/text/SB1030
254
1,208
4,652
Show this thread
Submitted without comment but lots and lots of laughter.
512
2,621
28.5K
Show this thread
Today, Trump Org CFO Weisselberg is being sentenced to five months jail.
On a five month sentence, he'll serve approximately 100 days.
As a public defender in Manhattan, I represented a man who was sentenced to 3-6 years (and will serve 1500+ days) for stealing a jacket.
939
8,540
21.2K
Shorter Nick Adams:
Buy M&M's
Quote Tweet
ALPHA MALE CHALLENGE
1. Go to your local grocery store and purchase the LARGEST bag of M&Ms you can find!
2. DESTROY the bag of M&Ms you purchased and do NOT let one pass your lips!
3. Take a photo of your CRUSHED woke M&Ms and post it on social. Make sure you tag Mars!28
11
222
*gas*
Quote Tweet
You know come to think about it. I think it'd be pretty hilarious if a bunch of people died defending their has stoves. Like really really funny
20
5
165
And there's this secret underground society heavily guarded in the woods of the Pacific northwest that have Jerry-rigged gas stoves and they cook on them, meatloaf and mashed potatoes and stuff like that, and they cry when they eat it
Quote Tweet
You know come to think about it. I think it'd be pretty hilarious if a bunch of people died defending their has stoves. Like really really funny
32
20
300
You know come to think about it. I think it'd be pretty hilarious if a bunch of people died defending their has stoves. Like really really funny
92
47
1,443
Defending my guns with my gas stove
Quote Tweet
I’ll NEVER give up my gas stove. If the maniacs in the White House come for my stove, they can pry it from my cold dead hands. COME AND TAKE IT!!
55
43
1,224
Diamond was hospitalized with COVID during Thanksgiving. RIP.
Quote Tweet
89
237
978
Get ready...
Quote Tweet
It's going to be comically depressing to watch all these amoral charlatans clapping and cheering together and patting themselves on the back after they finally end up electing a Speaker of the house. As if they've completed some arduous task together for the greater good.
34
26
540
Bittersweet but mostly sweet but also bitter but still sweet.
Quote Tweet
January 6th, 2023:
DJTL Announces Fundraiser for Pop-Up Anti-Library
On Second Anniversary of 1/6/21 insurrection.
Details: djtrumplibrary.com/phase2
Fundraising: spot.fund/qnfq2sc
Thread 
Show this thread
7
5
55
It's going to be comically depressing to watch all these amoral charlatans clapping and cheering together and patting themselves on the back after they finally end up electing a Speaker of the house. As if they've completed some arduous task together for the greater good.
78
252
3,604
All 50 states, please.
Quote Tweet
New Jersey has become the first state in the country to require public schools to teach media literacy to K-12 students as a way to combat misinformation, under legislation signed by Gov. Phil Murphy.
14
205
1,415
These are huge news!
Quote Tweet
Announcement! I’m starting an OnlyFans page.
Show this thread
read image description
ALT
14
6
296
Drinking 23 gallons of cold pressed kale juice and doing 1,200 pushups to make good on last years resolutions
76
110
4,009
If you're impacted by Southwest delays/cancellations, I hope this helps
1:23
166.8K views
80
1,802
4,948
Show this thread
on reflection, I have to hand it to Musk here. it turns out letting Andrew Tate back on Twitter actually did combat human trafficking
172
4,681
53.9K
This is what you get when you ask the sports guy to come in to cover a blizzard in the morning show.
1:31
8M views
6,526
49.2K
225.8K
I wonder who could have caused this 🤔
227
2,302
28K
How many people are in this picture? 9...11?
Quote Tweet
2,263
1,395
7,045
Dear liberals, please for the love of god learn that, for fascists, overt hypocrisy is a demonstration of dominance and power. It’s the whole point. They like it when you point it out.
74
3,263
14.5K
Show this thread
Get ready to laugh your ass off and then back on again. And I'll be going out with the very funny as well. Join us in hell!
See dates and get tickets here:
officialdavidcross.com/pages/appearan
38
10
144
Show this thread
Hello all! This is it, the second greatest day of your life. Tickets for my latest tour, "Worst Daddy In The World", go on sale today. Like, right now. Right this very second.
This is easily my sexiest, most erotic material ever. This is NOT for kids!!!
28
13
271
Show this thread
My God last night's show was nothing short of epic! Thank you Athens. tonight in Atlanta will be even better! Just an amazing level of talent up there. See ya'll in a few hours!
Quote Tweet
On Dec 15, join artists from around the world for a global livestream event streaming on Veeps, celebrating REM’s 40th Anniversary of Chronic Town.
Hosted by... ME! chronictown.veeps.com
Show this thread
11
5
92
This is your periodic reminder to never take a police polygraph.
Let's talk about why. /1
197
6,048
23.4K
Show this thread
This is disgusting. This shit wouldn't fly in America
Quote Tweet
More senseless Canadian road rage caught on camera.
#Canada #Roadrage
*Warning: Graphic footage.
0:20
2.5M views
256
525
5,633
The all-star line-up also includes Darius Rucker, Chris Robinson, John Cameron Mitchell, Fred Armisen, Kevn Kinney, Lenny Kaye, Mitch Easter, Steve Wynn, David Ryan Harris, Elf Power, Pylon Reenactment Society, Hugo Burnham and more. Net proceeds go to .
4
4
47
Show this thread