Ron just accepted a grown dude lived with his family as a pet rat and quickly focused all of his emotions on a school dance
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11-year-old Harry: Hagrid definitely still uses his wand. Everyone else: I guess it’s just a quirky pink umbrella!!!
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So no one else in Gryffindor, throughout an entire school year, was like, “Wait, Hermione has a different class with you at the same time she’s in my class.......?”
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Harry and Ginny’s kids definitely aren’t allowed to have diaries
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Imagine hiding under Hogwarts for 1000 years and the first human you see is Moaning Myrtle
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Dean Thomas went home to all his Muggle friends who love soccer and was like, "I'm a Chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team."
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It's 2019 and very likely that Professor Binns still doesn't know he's dead.
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Neville just gave up on Trevor, huh
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The backstory for the Hufflepuff ghost is that he is overweight
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If Diagon Alley has an eye doctor, they are definitely a Squib.
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Sorry, no. Only the best Mandrake potion for our petrified children. They will have to wait until Professor Sprout's is ready.
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Voldemort was a functioning hoarder.
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“I could throw this diary away or I could kill someone and put 1/7th of my soul inside it.” - Voldemort, a hoarder
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Colin Creevey was petrified his first year of Hogwarts, then killed by a Death Eater in his seventh year, but Harry’s only reaction is “ugh no pictures.”
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Is Marietta Edgecomb’s face back to normal yet?
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If the Weasley family all stood next to each other on Christmas, it would say AMBCPFGRG
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If Charlie, Ron, Mr. Weasley, Mrs. Weasley and Percy stood next to each other on Christmas, they would say CRAMP.
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Buckbeak? No, this identical creature owned by the same person who owned Buckbeak two years ago is named Witherwings.
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No one else in Hogwarts had red hair.
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Fred and George had a 2000 Wizard Sports Almanac and no one even cares
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Albus: I know literally everything. Aberforth: People don’t talk about goats enough.
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“The four of us all happen to have alliterative names, perhaps we should start a wizarding school!” “Yes fine but I also want my house’s mascot to continue the alliteration.”
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“Oh, perfect - Godric, your house mascot will be a griffin.” “I want it to be a lion!” “But-“ “WE ARE LIONS!!”
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“I’ll take the brave!” “I value the cleverest!” “I want the most ambitious.” “Who’s hungry??”
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Muggles have Find My iPhone. For wizards, a presumed dead Death Eater has to shoot a widely feared signal into the sky with your wand.
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Ollivander would be a very inefficient Genius Bar employee
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It’s the new Nimbus Two Thousand! The Nimbus Two Thousand and One! The Firebolt is here! Ok, enough brooms.
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Does the Firebolt get a software upgrade?
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It’s all fun and games until a young wizard practicing Apparition splinches a vital organ in two pieces
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dave.jorgenson@washpost.com