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  1. say it with me, i promise not to shoot innocent people in 2016. and drink more water.

  2. big day for dolphins fans! finally a meaningful game will be played at sun life stadium.

  3. the dolphins should consider resting their starters so they will be fresh for the super bowl parties.

  4. remember that shitty coach the jets dumped? where did he end up?

  5. not to one-up but i designed the first manmade pond for paddle boarders. did i mention it's in the middle of a driving range?!

  6. how was i expected to watch the democratic debate last night when mariah carey was making her directorial debut on the hallmark channel?

  7. not a lot of black people in these hallmark christmas movies.

  8. happy holidays!

  9. this is the last night you get the privilege of interacting with me. the season finale of starts now!

  10. 25 minute warning: whip up a fresh batch of eggnog if you want to participate in tonight’s season finale drinking game.

  11. i am considering living off of 1% of what i’ve made and also the other 99%

  12. in a best of 7 series, could the minnesota lynx sweep the sixers?

  13. enough about peyton’s inability to throw the ball. why aren’t people googling “peyton manning butthole story”?

  14. sad to have just found out that jared fogle’s wife filed for divorce. if they can’t make it, nobody can.

  15. the war on christmas will end tonight on the season finale of . MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!

  16. are the a new reality tv show where every week they fire someone off? if so, my vote for this week is stephen ross!!

  17. dear comedy, tonight is the finale. you gave a boy his dream. i know it’s time to walk away. i’m ready to let you go, season 7.

  18. Retweeted

    Be thankful for Andy Ritchie.

  19. Andy was a great person.

  20. i'm thankful for all of you. bring a can of to your thanksgiving dinner and be the hit of the party.

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