Terry F

me: i'd like help with my taxes accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in? me: i'd say anxious accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year me: oh sorry, depressed

interviewer: can you explain this 5 year gap on your resume me: i was vibing interviewer: really? me: ya literally just vibing interviewer: [under breath] that’s dope as hell

teacher: you're currently failing english, are you reading for extra credit? me: i'm reading Animal Farm, the author is so good teacher: orwell? me: yeah [sweating] i meant the author is so well

[1st day working at pizza place] me: how am i doing so far boss: knead the dough more me: got it [whispers to dough] I NEED YOU SO FUCKEN BAD

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard! A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

me: *buying a bunch of items at costco* cashier: do you wanna box for those? me: nah i hate violence, can't i just pay cash

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh- dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows harry: hell ya dumbledore: one is your blankey

[trying to impress fiancée's entire family at dinner] waiter: here's the check whenever you're ready- me: oh i'll get it! [reads bill and spits out wine] WHO ORDERED THE "SUBTOTAL"?!?

Saying “let me show you how it’s done” - arrogant - condescending - vibe killer Saying “this is how we do it” - it’s Friday night and I feel alright - the party's here on the west side - so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up - designated driver take the keys to my truck

Scar didn't murder Mufasa. It's a cat's natural instinct to knock things off ledges

[watching Guardians of the Galaxy] "I am Groot" ME: [whispers to date] That's Groot

Kangaroo 911: What's your emergency? Kangaroo: I CAN'T FIND MY CHILDREN Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets? Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment super villain: no contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

We do not have a school of dentistry on my campus but there is a dental club and this haunts me every day... just a bunch of crazy kids from all different majors who really love teeth? Wtf is happening during their meetings? I need to know

professor x: so what is your mutant power me: i can help people discover their roots professor √x: i'm listening