Cliff Watson

Thing I learned today: @joeschmidt has a magic beard that helps him run 1:00/mile faster than me.

Needed to grab some miles tonight. Laced up and headed to the Riverwalk. Stopped halfway there by an older gentleman leaning against a wall:

"That's the first time I ever saw somebody running on Canal Street this late without at least two police on their ass."

Non-Southerners: That's pronounced "Poe-Lease."

Google maps estimate from airport to hotel: 31 minutes. Actual: 17 minutes. Sergey and Larry didn't factor Kaashif into their algorithm.

Plan on knocking over a bank or maybe just sticking up a Waffle House in New Orleans? For getaway, call American Taxi and request Kaashif.

Haven't felt like I was going to die in traffic in a long time. Good to be back in The South.

PRO TIP: When your teenage daughter asks you to buy ice cream and Silver Linings Playbook at the store, save a trip and get some Midol, too.

My 17-year-old and 14-year-old are getting nostalgic about email. They feel about email how I feel about mixtapes. This is really weird.

"I don't email my friends. That's so fourth grade." — my 14-year-old daughter just now

"Congratulations, Cade Smith. Welcome to your new home in Portland, Maine." — Smith's new Witness Protection Program sponsor

Ferris Bueller is 51 years old.

Walking at night while wearing really old glasses, I can't tell if downtown Omaha is littered with dog shit or half-smoked cigars.

There are only two kinds of Americans today. Those braving sub-zero wind chills for the first time since March. And Geoff Barnes.

When you send me an email confirming that I unsubscribed from your email, I think you're missing the point.

Did I order a salad with a straw? Then why do you keep putting spinach in my smoothie?

BREAKING NEWS NICK SABAN JUST SMILED NICK SABAN JUST SMILED

A very polite Southern cancer screening: the ma'amogram.

"If John Belushi were still alive, he'd probably be dead."