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  1. Retweeted
    26 Nov 2015

    So, while you're home today, eating your sweet, sweet, holiday turkey...I hope you'll all choke, just a little bit.

  2. Retweeted
    22 Nov 2015

    I knew the dog before he came to class!

  3. 8 Nov 2015

    It's crazy that we have little robots exploring Mars, but we still need commercials reminding the general public to wash their hands

  4. 8 Nov 2015
  5. 6 Nov 2015

    I think I've spent 70% of the last 24 hours playing Fallout Shelter

  6. 4 Nov 2015

    Archived shows are getting me through this Wednesday 🙌

  7. 6 Oct 2015

    The inside of my car smells like brussel sprouts

  8. Retweeted
    3 Oct 2015
  9. 28 Sep 2015

    What do I have to do to get a blanket like this?

  10. 27 Sep 2015

    Today I learned I don't really like festivals.

  11. 19 Sep 2015

    I can only assume this dude came on a little strong to the girl who gave him my number as a fake number.

  12. 19 Sep 2015

    I wish my ears were functioning properly.

  13. 17 Sep 2015

    I feel bad for the girl this train wreck of spelling was intended for

  14. 16 Sep 2015
    Replying to

    Status update: I bought some deodorant.

  15. 16 Sep 2015

    Guys I forgot to put on deodorant today.

  16. 11 Sep 2015

    I'm going to start keeping a dream journal on Twitter. Last night I dreamt about water gushing out of my nose and about making burnt popcorn

  17. 4 Sep 2015

    A fly just decided to land in my beer. I played swimming pools by Kendrick Lamar for him.

  18. 4 Sep 2015

    Getting white girl wasted for breakfast. Pumpkin spice coffee and an English muffin with pumpkin butter on it.

  19. 31 Aug 2015

    I just hit my eye on the corner of my MacBook. It did not feel great, would not recommend.

  20. 27 Aug 2015

    I haven't had coffee in 5 days. Probably the longest I've gone without it in the past 8 years.

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