not brendan (but brb)

@crocodilethumbs

4.98 uber passenger rating | really into sandwiches | insta:

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Vrijeme pridruživanja: srpanj 2011.
Rođen/a 28. travnja

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  1. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    i never told my mom this but one time i threw a party in high school and someone peed in the cat's litter box so when she got back there was a giant petrified human piss brick and she cried while taking the cat to the vet all while i watched and said nothing to avoid being caught

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    [Interrogation Room] Cop: truth or dare Me: dare Cop: i dare u to tell me if u killed that guy Me: ...thats fucking cheating

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    Me: *visiting a medium* I would like you to raise spirits Medium: which did you have in mind? Me *depressed* mine

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    Saying “Me, myself, and I” - Redundant - Lonely and depressing - 3x as lame Saying “My Shiny Teeth and Me” - Refreshing (and minty) - 32 shiny friends - Twinkles like the fucken stars in space

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    NASCAR instructor: so you just keep going left. Got it? Matthew McConaughey: no

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    Cop: keep your hands up and don’t make any sudden movements [drum solo of “In The Air Tonight" starts on the car radio] Me: oh fuck

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    28. sij

    Doing intermittent fasting but time isn’t real so i am just eating whenever i want

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    10. sij

    slytherin: looks like we’re gonna win the the house cup :) dumbledore: would be a real fucken shame if i gave 8 billion points to gryffindor for harry making his bed slytherin: but- dumbledore: A REAL SHAME

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency Commissioner Gordon: There's a bat stuck in my apartment, do you know it Batman: what

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    21. sij

    doctor: i don’t know how to say this me: haha u just did doctor: what me: u literally just said “this” lol doctor: [clears throat] u have 3 weeks to live and i honestly wish it were less

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    8. sij

    i hate when people in porno films are like “ohh noo, i don’t have any money, how will i pay you?” lmao like why tf did you order the pizza then???

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    8. sij

    one time i went on a date (basketball game/drinks after) and we stopped at chipotle on the way home. she paid for the food because “i covered everything else” the next day she sent me a venmo request for the partial burrito bowl she left in my fridge and now i don’t date anymore

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    do you think the kool aid man moves into bigger pitchers as he outgrows them like a hermit crab

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    An orange cat circling my ankles is the closest I’ve ever come to dribbling a basketball between my legs

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    7. sij

    Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit Buzz: Woody: say it again Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    23. sij

    dentist: u need sensitive toothpaste me: are my teeth soft? dentist: no ur just a little bitch

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. sij

    never compromise your values

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    20. sij

    Me: hey doc, do my nipples look lopsided to you? Dentist:

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    29. sij

    Zeus: As punishment you will roll this large boulder up a hill Me: but that’s the size of a small boulder Sisyphus: stfu dude

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    29. sij

    roads can have a little boulder, as a large boulder

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