A Crime a Day

Nice try, Jacob Wohl, but I already have tomorrow’s crime planned.

15 USC §§1263, 1264 & 16 CFR §1513.6(b)(4) make it a federal crime to sell bunk beds without a warning to not allow more than one person on the top bunk.

18 USC §1865 & 36 CFR §7.64(a) make it a federal crime to drink alcohol in public, or in a car, at the Petersburg National Battlefield, unless you have written permission from the park superintendent.

40 USC §6307(a) & 36 CFR §520.7 make it a federal crime to gamble at the national zoo.

18 USC §1461 makes it a federal crime to mail anything lewd.

21 USC §§331, 333, 343 & 21 CFR §155.130(b)(1)(i)(b) & (5) make it a federal crime to sell canned corn with more than 1 cubic centimeter of cob per 400 grams, but not if it's labeled "Excessive cob."

A lot of guys convicted of this lie about the length of their sentence. Goodnight Twitter.

16 USC §551, 36 CFR §261.58(j) & Order #17-018 make it a federal crime to be publicly nude in the Allegheny National Forest, but not if you have a nudity permit or you're naked in the course of official firefighting duties.

16 USC §707 & 50 CFR §21.12(d)(3) make it a federal crime to release a raptor into a building in order to capture a bird, unless you have a permit to do that kind of thing.

18 USC §953 makes it a big federal crime for a U.S. citizen without authority to directly or indirectly correspond with a foreign government in order to influence a foreign government in relation to disputes or controversies with the United States.

I already did the Logan Act.

21 USC §§1037(a)(1) & 1033(g)(7) make it a federal crime to buy an egg that can’t be eaten because it’s smashed.

21 USC §863(a)(1) & (d)(12) make it a federal crime to offer to sell a bong for smoking marijuana.

21 USC §§333, 352 & 21 CFR §333.250(c)(1)(ii) make it a federal crime to sell jock itch cream without warning people that it's for external use only.

26 USC §5601(a)(12) & 27 CFR §19.426(b) make it a federal crime to obtain tax-free liquor for a federal government agency to use as drinks, unless the head of the agency has expressly authorized the liquor purchase "For Use of the United States."

I'll admit, I thought there'd be a lot more mongooses in this thing.

7 USC §7414(i) & 7 CFR §1206.62 make it a federal crime for an employee of the National Mango Board to disclose confidential mango information, but the confidential mango information may not be withheld from Congress.

A's to your Q's in the order they were asked: 1. Permission of the Secretary of the Interior or Agriculture, depending on what land it's on. 2. No, a burrito is something else. 3. I don't know, ask the donkey. 4. The one with the flour tortilla.