Matt Simon

@crawlycreepy

writer, athlete, fiasco ● scorpion and spider hobbyist ● arachnid presenter, ● GenX ● just another animal in the wild

Vrijeme pridruživanja: srpanj 2017.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    14. lis 2019.

    One of these creatures is a monster species from hell; the other is an Arizona giant hairy scorpion (Hadrurus arizonensis). 🎃🦂

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  2. prije 9 sati

    "I don't feel my age.... The only thing that reminds me is watching the world go down the tubes.... I've never thought about legacy. You don't attend your own funeral. It doesn't fucking matter, does it? I just try to enjoy what I'm doing as I'm doing it."

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  3. prije 13 sati

    Totally punk rock. Fuck authority and the fascist tools who worship it.

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  4. prije 14 sati

    A watched pot never boils, but unwatched pots need to calm the fuck down

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  5. prije 16 sati

    DEAR POLAR BEARS: Eat Americans. They're fat, slow-moving, and nutritious. Thank you for attending my address.

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  6. prije 24 sata

    Currently trapped in a "forgot what I wanted" loop between rooms

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  7. 4. velj

    I live by the words of my wise Norwegian friend, who once said "I never gets everything completely right"

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  8. 4. velj

    "Megabyte" sounds like a pretty sick death-metal band

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  9. 4. velj

    BREAKING: FBI ramps up surveillance of paranoid people

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  10. 4. velj

    I, for one, think we should bring back Roman numerals

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  11. 3. velj

    I maintain a database of geotagged Twitter data and mass sentiment analyses of tweet content to calculate optimal timing and content of tweets across world time zones to leverage algorithm maximization and enhance social media visibility. Haha just kidding, I can barely function

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  12. 3. velj

    I'm sorry I told your school group a horrifying story about how the very first "sloppy joe" was actually made from a guy named Joe

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  13. 3. velj

    EMBARRASSMENT OF ROACHES: Cockroaches are not as ancient as once thought. A phylogenomic investigation puts their origin at 200–250 million years ago (Triassic/Jurassic) and most subgroup radiation at 150–100mya (Cretaceous). And yes, termites are roaches.

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  14. 3. velj

    PRO TIP: People listen to you more if you have a live scorpion in one hand. Elise, our Arizona giant hairy scorp (Hadrurus arizonensis), at

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  15. 3. velj

    Hanna Banana, our curlyhair tarantula at , workin' it for the camera today. Tliltocatl albopilosum (formerly Brachypelma albopilosum)

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  16. 1. velj

    don't worry there's hope for u humans, haha just kidding ur fucked

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  17. 1. velj

    The human world drives me crazy but to be fair that IS a very short drive

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  18. 31. sij

    Don't take this the wrong way, but if you post a photo taken inside your home I will enlarge and scan it for clues like Deckard in Blade Runner

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  19. 30. sij

    BREAKING: Double Entendre Society reports huge growth in members

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  20. 27. sij

    Current mood: should I worry about this, worry about that, obsess about those other things, or just stagger into the woods and never be seen again

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  21. 26. sij

    The fastest land mammals are parents at the museum when their children suddenly reach out and try to grab a live scorpion

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