zero

Q3. why do I continue to do so despite knowing that there are more important & impactful problems I could be putting my mind towards I can at least take a stab at 2 and 3 now: understanding something intellectually or rationally does not yield a corresponding behaviour change

This applies to so many aspects of life. I can critique the fast fashion industry, for example, and yet I obsess over what I wear and continue to buy new clothes. And when I don't, I feel like some core thing that makes up & confirms my identity is missing.

I like to think that I feel more beautiful now than I ever have before in my life, and yet, I am obsessing over beauty more than I ever have before. What gives? Why the obsession with aesthetics? It feels like an exercise in desperately clawing at the world in an effort to say

HELLO THIS IS ME AND YES AS YOU CAN SEE IM COOL But not only to the world. I imagine if only I was around, I would still make these attempts. When artists say that they put their whole selves into their work, putting their experience of existence totally on display...

and hoping that others will accept, and some might even relate - thats what it feels like. And I guess at the moment this is my only real outlet to do so. I'm no artist. Can't draw, can't make music, and don't have the time to even write.

But I can put on some sparkly shoes and a bandanna and feel like at least I'm carrying some part of myself with me, and that people might even notice. My personal attempts at beauty expression are not really stereotypical. It's an attempt, rather, to differentiate myself.

So, in a way, maybe my obsession (and many others) is not as bad as I think. Maybe I have been societally shamed into wanting to be beautiful. But still, I can't absolve myself of criticism. This eats away at me, and I don't even realise until something sparks me to notice again

Climate change is a bitch. Human beings are probably going to extinct themselves. Art and creativity is amazing, and life is truly majestic. But the thought that most often dominates my mind? Fuck I just want to be pretty.